Why stepparents need a break too
Sometimes I look at all the parenting memes about how gleeful everyone feels to drop their kids back at school when summer ends or after a long school break. And I think, if I — a stepmom — were to ever show that much joy when my stepdaughter headed back to her mom’s, the entire internet would want my head on a platter. Yet I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel all the muscles in my neck and shoulders unclench with relief on those transition days.
Why does everyone think that stepparents should never need a break from their stepkids? Even many of our partners seem to believe that us needing an occasional breather is the same thing as us not loving our stepkids… and yet they’re allowed to complain as much as they want about those exact same kids.
The answer is both simple and infuriating: double standards exist for stepparents—double standards that are both outrageous and unfair.
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Fun double standards for stepmoms & stepdads!
If you ever wondered whether you’re imagining the double standards you think exist for you as a stepparent, here’s an easy test:
Look at any parenting meme.
Imagine if it said “stepkid” instead of “kid,” or “stepmom/stepdad” instead of “mom/dad.”
If it’s funny without the “step” prefix, yet sounds horrifying and awful with the “step” prefix, you’re staring right down the barrel of a double standard.
You can also play this game with account handles on Instagram — an account name like @kidsaretheworst sounds like it’s probably hilarious, while an account called @stepkidsaretheworst sounds like it’d probably be run by an asshole-bordering-on-sociopath who shouldn’t be anywhere near a child. [Note that no one’s had the cojones to create that account yet.]
We can all safely laugh along with biological parents as they eye-roll over their kids’ exasperating antics because we all understand that biological parents love their kids no matter how sick of them we get, no matter how irritated. Even when we wanna kill ‘em, we love ‘em.
So why don’t stepparents get that same measure of grace extended to them? Why can’t we joke about the exhaustion that comes with stepparenting? Why does society think stepparents aren’t allowed to feel tired, ready for a break, ever have mixed feelings, or even feel completely fucking over this gig some days? Is it because we “chose” this? Hello, didn’t regular parents choose to be parents too??
Are stepparents supposed to love parenting more than our stepkids’ actual parents?
If anyone were to tell today’s mothers that never feeling tired of the kiddos, never needing a break, and having zero mixed feelings EVER were the prerequisites for being a good mom, today’s mothers would collectively laugh their asses off (and then give you a black eye).
And yet, that’s the message that does indeed get shoved down stepmoms’ throats: we must always love being a stepmom, all the time. Spoken or unspoken, this unrealistic expectation comes from everyone: our friends, our parents and in-laws, even our partners. Sometimes especially our partners.
Similar to the way we’re judged by double standards when parenting our stepkids, we’re also assigned double standards for how we’re allowed to feel about our role as stepparents.
Regular parents are allowed to take a night off, to vent and complain, to collapse. Stepparents? Never.
Cool. Coolcoolcoolcoolcool.
A short list of reasons why stepparenting is super hard
There’s a whole slew of reasons that stepparenting is hard af (how much time do you have?) but let’s just start with the most obvious:
From the minute your stepkid arrives to the minute they leave, you’re on duty.
If you’re still in the earlier stages of becoming a stepparent and your stepkid isn’t super warm or friendly, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time.
This is especially true if there’s already friction between houses and you’re worried that saying or doing the wrong thing could increase that conflict.
Even if you do start feeling burned out, you don’t take a break from your stepkid because you have such limited time together as a family.
Instead, you push forward through your increasing stress to plan a Fun Family Togetherness Activity… which ends up not being fun, didn’t feel like it helped bring anyone closer together, and only exhausted you further.
Nevertheless, you keep a smile on your face and keep trying because this is your family and you’re committed to making it work, dammit!
At best, no one thanks you for any of this.
At worst, you’re accused of not trying hard enough. Even when you’ve done this week in, week out for years. Even when you’ve been 120% responsible for every ounce of emotional labor in your stepfamily from Day 1. Even when you’ve long since given yourself empty.
Honestly just typing all that out makes me feel like I could use a nap… and I also feel more forgiving toward my past self. Because when I see all the mental heavy lifting I did for years and years listed out like that, I wonder how I ever thought I didn’t need a break. Why the hell did I think carving out an hour or so of recharge time alone would’ve been totally out of line?
Probably because I told myself “I’ll get a break in 3 days when SD goes back to HCBM’s.” I’d tell myself to get it together; that this was the only time we had together as a family.
I was way more committed to our happy ending than I was to my emotional health. I approached my stepdaughter’s time with us with the same level of intensity and pressure as a giant research paper that I’d put off an entire semester and it was now the night before the deadline: everything has to be perfect and there’s not a second to lose. Not even to pee.
I also wondered that entire time (like it was some big mystery) why my relationship with SD felt strained and smothered. Really, how could we thrive when I gave us no room to breathe?
Plus, the weeks we didn’t have SD weren’t exactly restful recovery time. We were still constantly fielding drama from her mother, still driving all over town to attend every soccer game or piano recital or whatever. I’d spend the first half of my “off” week replaying everything I’d done or said wrong the previous week, and the second half getting ready for SD’s return: groceries, meal planning, event planning, working overtime to wrap up anything that could potentially take even a second away from the all-important Family Togetherness Time.
Stepparenting is emotionally exhausting in ways that a non-stepparent simply can’t understand. Stepparenting is hard when the kids are with you, and it’s hard when they’re not. And as much as we all want to be there for our stepkids and our partners, if we’re over-engaging to the point of stepdad/stepmom burnout, then we can’t be there for anyone. Including ourselves.
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Stepdads & stepmoms need extra support
We all understand that being a parent is a shitload of work. We also all understand that every parent needs a little extra support in their corner sometimes.
But stepparents aren’t supposed to need any help at all I guess? 🤷🏻♀️ And yet, we’re also somehow held entirely responsible for the success or failure of our blended family.
We’re expected to show up with a smile every single day, meld effortlessly with our partner’s kids in some transcendental bond that exceeds anything we could ever possibly feel for a biological kid (yet in a non-threatening, non-boundary-overstepping way, of course), and never ever have one negative thing to say or feel about stepparenthood.
So basically, stepparents are supposed to take on all the work of parenting kids we had no say in bringing into the world while finding the stepparenting role more rewarding than any actual parent. And we’re supposed to do this while receiving no credit or appreciation, and while taking all the blame (okay, twice the blame!) for anything that isn’t perfect.
Sounds like a great gig! Where do I sign up?
Stepparents are assigned a disproportionate amount of situational responsibility for a family dynamic in which we hold absolutely no power. We’re newcomers, yet everything’s our fault. We’re expected to help, and are also given no vote. We strategize endlessly about how we think things could be made better for everyone, and are then accused of being too hard on our stepkids.
We try, try, try, try, and try again. And then, instead of “Thank you,” we’re told “Just try harder” or “Well you chose this.”
Being a stepmom or a stepdad is not easy. Stepparenting isn’t even within spitting distance of easy. If you’re struggling with being a stepparent, feeling left out, depressed, overworked and underpaid, and pretty much like an all-around scapegoat, know that you are not alone. It’s incredibly common to struggle with your stepparenting role — it’s just that no one seems to like talking about it a whole lot.
So take a break, struggling stepparent. You’ve earned it, and you absolutely deserve it.