Talking about parental alienation really isn't my favorite thing because — well, I’m not comfortable calling ourselves any kind of experts on this stuff. To be totally honest, neither Dan nor I think we handled being alienated all that well.

I mean, that’s pretty much the understatement of the year (we share more about our PAS mistakes & experiences in our parental alienation workshop), but I think feeling like we’re handling alienation all wrong probably rings true for a lot of alienated parents and stepparents. The tactics that seem like they'd be the best way to fight alienation can actually work against us.

Here's a closer look at some of the most common myths around parental alienation (and/or flat-out bad advice) that targeted parents and stepparents should NOT buy into.

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Parental Alienation Myth #1: Alienated kids/stepkids want nothing to do with us

At its core, parental alienation boils down to this: a kid is rejecting their parent. An alienated kid’s behavior can range from indifferent to cruel — giving us the cold shoulder when they're around, or completely refusing to call or visit. And even though we know it's the targeting parent putting them up to that shit, we can end up getting into our own heads and thinking wow... maybe our kids really don't want a relationship with us anymore. Maybe they really don't love us.

Here's the thing about alienation though: the way these kids are acting isn't a true reflection of what they genuinely feel. Or, more accurately — parental alienation is not your kid rejecting you. It's your kid putting on a very, very convincing act that they're rejecting you.

But deep down inside, alienated kids still love their parents. Even if they're not able to show how much they love you right now. Even if they way they're acting demonstrates the opposite of love.

Parental Alienation Myth #2: We can win over our alienated kids/stepkids just by "doing better"

A primary hallmark of parental alienation is kids rejecting their parents in a way that's completely disproportionate to their stated reason for that rejection. For example, they'll say "I never want to see you again" — and they'll sound like they really mean it, not like a kid who's just acting huffy or throwing a tantrum — but then when you ask them why, they'll have some really random reason like "You didn't let me have ice cream after dinner." The targeting parent (and/or your alienated kid) adds fuel to this fire by claiming that you "don't care about" your kid, or aren't listening to what your kid really wants.

As reasonable people who don't want our kids/stepkids to be mad at us, most parents and stepparents will respond to our kids/stepkids’ rejecting behavior by trying to do better. We'll respond to the claims that we must not care about our kid by doing the exact opposite thing — if they say we're making them unhappy by cooking the wrong dinners, or not helping with homework, or not listening to them when they way they want to spend less time with us, then we frantically cook different dinners, double down on homework time, agree to kids choosing their own custody schedules.

We do all this in the interest of compromise — in the hopes that the alienating parent and alienated kid will see our efforts and say "Oh okay, that problem has been solved now; our relationship can go back to normal."

It's important to remember, though, that these aren't problems that the alienator actually wants solved. It's likely they're not true problems at all — they're simply the convenient scapegoat that acts as the vehicle for the alienation. Changing your behavior isn't going to stop the alienation; alienation itself is the targeting parent's goal here, not wanting your kid/stepkid to actually feel happy at your house.

If the alienating parent truly wanted what was best for everyone, they'd stop putting their kid in the middle by brainwashing them. They don't want what's best — they want to be in control, and that means getting you out of your kid’s/stepkid’s life.

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Parental Alienation Myth #3: We can convince our kids/stepkids that they're being brainwashed

For us, Dan's ex's parental alienation tactics ramped up in conjunction with her wanting to move hundreds of miles away with my SD. Dan was against this move for multiple reasons, primarily not wanting to lose time with SD. He also didn't think SD would be good at keeping in touch with him — she already rarely communicated with him on her weeks with her mom.

When he brought these points up to SD, she insisted he was wrong: "Our relationship will improve, Dad! We'll communicate more!" For every concern he listed, she had a counterpoint ready to go — every one of which would only be possible if she suddenly started acting the exact opposite way from how she normally acted.

SD's arguments in favor of the move were so illogical and based in non-reality that we thought pointing out all evidence to the contrary of her claims would get her to see the light. Instead, she doubled down and stuck to her stories harder.

A better way to go would've been to play along with her act in a way that subverted her mother's alienation tactics. So instead of pointing out how rarely she answered Dan's phone calls, he could've instead said something like "Well SD, maybe you're right and this is an opportunity for us to improve our communication! Let's start now by scheduling a couple FaceTime calls every week."

Parental Alienation Myth #4: We can get the alienating parent to just, you know, stop turning the kids against us

Much like we think we can use logic to talk alienated kids into not being alienated anymore, we also think that we can somehow talk the alienating parent into not turning the kids against us. 🙋🏻‍♀️ Raise your hand if you've ever said stuff to your ex like:

• "Don't you realize what you're doing to Kiddo?"

• "Please don't keep doing/saying [terrible thing]— it just puts Kiddo in the middle."

• "I really don't appreciate you badmouthing me to Kiddo."

Like if only they knew better, they'd quit acting like that. As if the alienating parent doesn't realize what they're doing — and once they do realize their behaviors are toxic, then they'll stop.

Gentle reminder: one of the qualifiers for alienating behavior is that the alienating parent's actions are both intentional and consistent. You're not gonna talk them out of turning your kid against you. They're doing this shit on purpose.

Parental Alienation Myth #5: We can co-parent with an alienating parent

A lot of advice on co-parenting out there seems to be written from the perspective that all co-parents can still be super good friends who have no emotional baggage from their divorce and are perfectly capable and willing to put the best interests of their child ahead of their own agenda.

Out here in the real world, couples split up because they don't get along — and oddly enough, that doesn't change after the breakup! Weird, right?? Also, not everyone is emotionally healthy, as proven by the horror of parental alienation existing at all.

The generic advice about #coparentingdoneright does not apply to the rules of high-conflict co-parenting. Normal, reasonable people don't turn kids against their parents.

Again, parental alienation isn't a matter of your ex just accidentally turning the kids against you. An alienating co-parent knows what they're doing — and they're doing it anyway. There's no "middle ground" you can reach with someone who's willing to use their child as a weapon.

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Parental Alienation Myth #6: Properly documenting parental alienation will save us

A lot of parental alienation resources talk about documentation like if you just find the right way to document — and you document often enough and comprehensively enough while using the perfect court-recommended co-parenting app — then all your parental alienation problems will magically disappear.

Parental alienation doesn't work like that.

I'm not saying not to document — you should! — but understand that documenting parental alienation is only part of the battle. There's still a whole lot of healing that'll need to take place. Additionally, you can't let the documentation process itself to take over your entire life. Struggling to find that balance is something Dan & I talk about in our workshop on parental alienation.

Parental Alienation Myth #7: Winning in court will "cure" the alienation

The end goal of all that documentation is probably to help you prove your case in court, right? Sure, makes sense. But you should also know that even if you win your court case and prove parental alienation, that doesn't mean your kid will suddenly start acting normal again. Parental alienation needs to be fought on multiple fronts: the legal front, and also at home.

Make sure you've got a plan in place to support your alienated kids in other ways besides winning your custody case. I can't stress the benefits of counseling (or reunification therapy) enough — for your kid, for you, and for all of you as a family. Parental alienation impacts the entire family, and the entire family will need extra help to heal from alienation and move forward.

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