(Step) Love actually
I admit it: we're one of those families that watches Love Actually every year over Christmas. And every year during our umpteenth rewatch, I think about all the different types of love.
Deep love. Dutiful love. Platonic love. Passionate love. Ego-driven love. Oblivious love. Unrequited love. Love that transcends all barriers. Love that defies all explanation.
Love is a loaded topic for stepparents. We're expected to love our stepkids unconditionally — then feel guilty if we don't, not realizing that this isn't a deficiency on our part; that expectation was never realistic in the first place.
That guilt sure doubles down at the holidays, doesn't it?
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We're gonna do better, we tell ourselves. We're gonna pull out all the stops. We'll buy thoughtful presents. We'll cook favorite foods. We'll plan fun activities. We'll create memories and traditions full of love and togetherness and joy.
Even if what we really feel is resentment. Even if what we really feel is exhausted and discouraged and burned out — the opposite of holiday cheer.
But here's the other thing about love: love is a verb. We can show love through our actions, even if we are totally not feeling that lovey dovey vibe:
Selecting presents, wrapping them, putting them under a tree... these are all acts of love.
Making a mental note of what your stepkids like to eat, researching recipes, writing out a grocery list, preparing and cooking food: all acts of love.
Putting together a holiday itinerary, providing transportation to activities, investing your time and energy: all acts of love.
So maybe it's okay to not be feeling the love this year. Maybe it's okay to fake it till you make it. Maybe it's okay to make all this shit up as you go.
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And, keeping in mind that self-love is another pretty dang important type of love, maybe it's also okay to say "I love you, but actually I need a bit of a break" and then head off somewhere quiet to watch your own guilty pleasure holiday movie.
Maybe it's time we let all of that be normal and okay. Especially if our energy reserves are running low, as they typically are during the stressful holiday season at year’s end. Maybe what we really need is to be a little gentler with ourselves, and to love ourselves a little bit more.
Give yourself credit for all you do, stepparents. And for how much love you're pouring out every single day, in all its many faces and forms.