Should stepparents discipline their stepkids?
So many stepparents tell me horror stories that end with "... but shouldn't I get a say in this? Aren't I allowed to have an opinion?? It’s my house too!"
Hell yes you're allowed! Absolutely. You have every right to call your stepkids out on their shitty behavior or throw down with your partner over their lack of parenting. If you're looking for permission, I hereby grant you that permission.
That's not quite the problem though, right? The problem is that disciplining our stepkids ends up making us the #1 Most Hated person in the house or launching WWIII with the high-conflict ex or generally making life a whole lot harder — especially when what we’re trying to do is help.
Whyyy is stepparenting like this??
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That time I disciplined my stepkid
Dan & I had only been dating maybe 6 months before I disciplined my stepdaughter for the first time. We weren’t living together yet. We only got together with both kids, his and mine, maybe… twice a month? Depending on our respective custody schedules. So cumulatively, I hadn’t spent a ton of time with my future stepdaughter yet. I certainly wasn’t doing any active parenting of her.
But on this particular day, Dan & my daughter & I were going to drop his kid off at a birthday party for a couple hours. Our girls went to different schools and didn’t share any of the same friends, so my daughter wasn’t going. Which would’ve been fine, except that this party was ridiculously over-the-top with pony rides and who knows what else.
In fact, future SD was super excited to tell my BD in tons of detail just how awesome this birthday party was gonna be. If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought future SD was rubbing it in on purpose. Surely I was mistaken though, right?
Nope. 🤦🏻♀️
Before we’d been in the car 5 minutes, my future stepdaughter launched into a sing-songy “I’m going to a paaarty and yoouuuuu aaaaren’t!” taunt aimed at my kid.
I was floored. I mean, first of all, how was this real life and not a cheesy afterschool special? Like… kids really do this?? And secondly, wow, this was totally unacceptable behavior! And so awkward!! I waited for Dan to step in.
And waited. And waited!
He said and did nothing while his daughter kept right on being crappy to mine. 😱
Finally I turned around and said “Hey SD, it’s really not nice for you to say that to BD. She’s already bummed to miss out on such a cool-sounding party.”
And then Dan did chime in to tell his daughter that her actions were not okay, and SD stopped her taunts. I don’t remember if she apologized — or even if Dan asked her to. What I mainly remember is how I was shaking with adrenaline like oh shit, I have totally overstepped here.
Was it overstepping though? Wouldn’t I have said the same thing to any friend or classmate of BD’s who behaved so poorly? Also, does this even technically count as disciplining my stepkid? Because it’s not like I gave her any consequences or anything. (If she’d been my kid, there’s NO WAY I’d have taken her to a birthday party after acting like that!)
Is expecting a baseline of human decency from our stepkids really the same thing as stepparents overstepping our role?
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How involved should a stepparent be?
Even after Dan & I moved in together and got married, I didn’t discipline my stepdaughter. I did things like asked her to please bring her dishes to the sink, or please pick up the art supplies she left lying out. Stuff like that. But things like sending her to her room? Nope, I did not parent her on that level.
In the earlier days of our relationship, I tried to correct my stepdaughter’s manners and attitude, believing that was my job as a stepparent. But as the conflict between Dan and his ex increased, so did my concerns about potentially overstepping — I was scared my stepdaughter would stop coming for her visitation time if she disliked me too much.
A lot of the complaints from HCBM revolved around SD being unhappy at our house… because, among other reasons, we had too many rules and I was mean. So I did my best to leave the parenting to Dan, although I didn’t stop sharing my opinions with him about my stepdaughter’s behavior behind closed doors.
Dan he was a pretty good sport. He listened to me at least, although he didn’t promptly change his parenting style or anything. I still felt so stuck though. Because it wasn’t just that I wanted a vote in how my stepdaughter was getting raised. It’s that I wanted my opinions to be heard and valued instead of dismissed — I wanted my concerns considered rather than ignored.
Disciplining my stepdaughter wasn’t the real issue. The real issue was that I didn’t feel like Dan & I were on the same team — a team that should’ve been working together for our family.
I mean, did I want my stepdaughter to chew with her mouth closed? Did I ever! But what I really wanted was to ask her, in a normal and reasonable tone, to please chew with her mouth closed and then not get the silent treatment from her as punishment.
I wanted to be granted the same rights and privileges as a teacher or coach or babysitter or literally any other adult in my SD's life: the ability to calmly address her behavior in the interest of helping her grow into the best human she could be. And I wanted Dan to back me up on that.
The reason I corrected my stepdaughter’s behavior was not because I was a wicked stepmother, but because I gave a crap about her. Just like any other loving adult in her life.
Yet when it's a stepparent offering that guidance, it's not long before someone accuses you of overstepping. Or of nagging. Or someone says you’re being mean or coming down too hard or some other frustrating complaint that's all the more insulting because most stepparents would not put in this level of effort attempting to discipline our stepkids if we didn’t care.
Why doesn't anyone see that??
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Should stepparents discipline their stepkids?
Stepparents can have opinions all day long — heck, we can even express those opinions! Problem is, voicing those opinions becomes exhausting.
At every crossroads with my stepdaughter, I had to make a decision: do I speak up and risk yet another argument? Or do I bite my tongue and add to my silent resentment?
If I took over parenting duties myself, then shit would get H A N D L E D, and that would be that. But also, everyone would hate me. And if everyone hated me, how would we ever feel like a real family?
Never one to shy away from confrontation before meeting Dan, somehow practically overnight, I became terrified to poke the bear or rock the boat. But then my irritation would build up so bad that I had to say something. Then when speaking up seemed to do more harm than good — which happened more often than not — I'd regret it. I’d vow to do better next time. Be a better soldier, stay silent and supportive and — above all!— stay in my lane.
Knowing what I know now though, I wish I'd spoken up more. I wish I hadn’t stayed in my lane every single time. I wish I'd worried way less about being liked and more about what was gonna happen if I didn't step up and deliver the hard message — because lord knows, no one else was speaking truth back then, and truth needed to be heard.
Most of all, I wish I’d stepped in and disciplined my stepdaughter when her behavior was directly hurtful or disrespectful toward me or my daughter. All those times my SD walked into the house without saying hello, or left without saying goodbye — Dan didn’t correct her, and I just stood there and took it like a friggin doormat. I thought I was keeping the peace. All I was really doing was reinforcing to my stepdaughter how very little I mattered.
Disciplining our stepkids is only part of the equation. We want our stepkids to act better, sure — but we also want our partners to appreciate our parenting efforts and help shoulder the emotional load of building this stepfamily. We want our partners to say "You know, you're right. I do need to parent my kids. I am ready to work with you to blend this family! What have I been thinking all this time??"
The truth is that we can’t get very far disciplining our stepkids without our partners supporting us in a parenting role. And yet, we still have every right to pick our battles.
We might not have known what we were getting into way back at the beginning of this journey — but we did choose this. So ultimately it’s our decision when (or whether) to own that choice and act on that choice, even if disciplining our stepkid makes us unpopular.