As a single parent myself, I figured I knew what I was getting into when I started dating someone else with a kid. Man was I wrong. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Turns out that becoming a stepparent was a hell of a lot more complicated than just adding another kid to the mix. And becoming a blended family required a lot more proactive attention, communication, and patience than I ever would’ve guessed.

I wish I’d known more about the specifics of stepfamily dynamics earlier, because I can now see all the ways I inadvertently made stepparenting harder than it needed to be — harder on myself, harder on my husband Dan, and harder on our respective kids.

Stepparents face a ton of challenges as we navigate this role. What would help us the most is the active support of our partners — only most of us don’t even realize that’s what we need. So instead of asking for help, we keep our mouths shut, believing (incorrectly) that we can probably figure this shiz out ourselves.

We really can’t, though. And trying to blend this family all on our own is only going to cause us to burn out really, really quickly.

This is one of several truths stepparents need our partners to know — all of which I definitely wish I’d learned earlier myself.

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1: Stepparents are stepparents from Day one

Neither partner in a stepcouple probably recognizes this at first, but stepparenting rules pretty much apply to anyone who’s dating someone with kids.

Having pre-existing kids impacts the dynamics of your relationship in multiple ways, including how much time you’re able to spend together and the quality of that time. This is true even if your partner hasn’t met your kids yet!

Becoming a stepparent is a process, and that process begins at the same time that your relationship begins.

Being in a relationship with someone who has kids is a major commitment that typically includes a lot of adjustments and sacrifices on the stepparent’s part. And all of that starts on Day 1, not someday down the road if/when you move in together or get married.

2: The transition into stepparenthood is hard AF

Knowing your partner has kids already and knowing what the stepparenting role is going to be like are two separate things. For most stepparents, this life is nothing like we thought it’d be. I mean yes, it was totally our choice to get involved with someone who had kids... but sometimes, we give up a lot for that choice.

I don’t mean giving up things like Saturday night dance club dates (although yeah, that too). I mean big ticket items like not having more kids. Or conversely, giving up our dream of living a childfree life.

It’s not uncommon for stepparents to pass up promotions or other career opportunities due to the limitations of our partner’s custody schedule. And we’re also giving up our dream of the family we thought we were going to have someday — even as we’re happy and excited about committing to the new family we’re building with you.

In short, the sacrifices involved in becoming a stepparent are often more significant than we realized this role would ask of us. And we can have a lot of mixed feelings about that. For that reason, we could use some grace as we’re figuring all this out.

We’ve never done this before and we’re doing our best. Stepparenting is a steep learning curve.

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3: Stepparents need their partners’ support

As a single parent, I believed that if my partner didn’t get along great with my kid, then that was on him to figure out. “Oh well,” I thought to myself. “I guess he isn’t that invested in making this work.” I thought it was his job to fit in with us.

Turns out, that’s not how a family becomes blended.

The primary parent (that’s you!) in a stepfamily needs to take an active role, not a passive one. It’s not that the stepparent needs to fit themselves into your existing single parent family; it’s that you and your partner together are creating a new family — your blended family. And that can’t happen without both of you actively working toward that goal.

One of the most important ways that primary parents can support stepparents is by being their advocate with the kids. Your partner and your kids are basically strangers; you can help bridge this gap by helping them get to know each other.

Help your kids and your partner see positive qualities in each other. It’s normal for stepkids and stepparents to not get along, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the stepparent is doing anything wrong or not trying hard enough. It’s just that the stepparent-stepkid relationship is complicated.

Totally related read: ➡️ 5 REASONS WHY STEPKIDS REJECT STEPPARENTS 👀

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4: There’s no one “right” way to stepparent

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to how the stepparenting role should look for everyone. Some stepparents are super active and involved while others take a step back from hands-on parenting and focus on supporting you as you parent instead.

Which type of stepparent is your partner? Well, the answer to that depends a lot on what kind of stepparent you’re comfortable with them being. Do you want your partner to play an active parenting role — that is, drive the kids places, make sure their homework gets done, and generally help with day-to-day parenting tasks? Great! Just keep in mind that any stepparent who takes on a parenting role will need active support in that role.

Kids don’t really want another grownup telling them what to do, and they’re more likely to resist a stepparent than a parent. If you want your partner to parent your kids, you’ll need to back them up.

Maybe you aren’t totally comfortable letting someone else parent their kids though. (I know I wasn’t, especially at first.) Or maybe your partner isn’t comfortable parenting your kids in the first place. Both feelings are normal, and either approach is a totally viable way to blend your family.

You just need to make sure you’re having open and honest conversations with your partner about expectations — yours and theirs. And make sure you’re having those conversations with your kids too so they know what to expect.

5. we’ve gotta be on the same team

As a single parent, I believed that my kid & I were an inseparable team and she came first no matter what. I was determined that my love life was not going to negatively impact her in any way, and nothing in her daily life would change regardless of who I was dating or how serious we were. That’s what a responsible parent does, right?

I had the best intentions, but it turns out that’s not a great recipe for building a blended family. You can’t put a romantic partner on permanent back burner status and expect them to be happy about that forever. Their thoughts and feelings and opinions matter too — especially if this is the person you plan on spending your life with.

We all know what would happen in a traditional family if a couple were to stop putting time and energy toward their relationship and only focus on the kids, right? Same goes for stepfamilies.

Having a healthy, loving relationship with a romantic partner doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your kids. And your kids need to see what a healthy, loving romantic relationship looks like because they’ll model that behavior themselves in their future relationships.

Families blend most successfully when you and your partner work together as a united front.

This is such a critical concept to understand that I wrote an entire blog post on it: ➡️ WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP (NOT THE KIDS) SHOULD COME FIRST IN A STEPFAMILY 👀

6. We’re building this blended family (and a new future) together

Speaking of who should come first… the person who deserves your primary consideration is your current partner, not your ex. Yes, your child’s other parent is an important person — you chose to have kids with them, after all — but they’re also your past.

The family you’re building together with your new partner is your future. And the day-to-day of that future can’t be defined by your past.

The standard co-parenting advice is to get along for the sake of the kids and minimize conflict wherever you can. That’s a nice idea in theory, but doesn’t work when it comes to co-parenting with a high-conflict ex.

If your ex is calling or texting constantly, trying to control what happens at your home, or otherwise stirring up drama, that’s a situation that doesn’t leave any room for you to live your own life. And you’ll need that if you want to blend a family together with your new partner.

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