Why does my stepkid hate me? 6 reasons why stepkids reject stepparents
Let me just start by saying that your stepkid hating you is super normal — I want every stepparent to be very clear on that so we can all stop blaming ourselves. Stepkids have rejected stepparents as long as stepkids and stepparents have existed. So not only are you not alone, but you're probably not even doing anything terribly wrong. The very fact that you're out here looking for help by reading this blog shows that you're a decent person who gives a crap about your stepkid and wants your relationship to improve.
So with reassurance in mind, take a deep breath and let's take a closer look at the 5 main reasons why your stepkid might hate you. 💁🏻♀️ (Sorry you’re dealing with that, btw. I’ve totally been there and it totally sucks.)
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1. Stepkids hate that stepparents exist
Your stepkid hating you is more of a reflection on everything your role as a stepparent represents than it is on your personality. Your stepkid doesn't care how terrific you are or how happy you make their parent. All they care is that you represent change, and change is scary and bad — especially to kids who are still shaken up from the massive upheaval of divorce.
This makes stepparents the perfect candidates for stepkids to turn into scapegoats. Don’t like what’s for dinner? Blame the stepparent! Grouchy about the conflict between houses and sick of feeling stuck in the middle? Probably that dang stepparent’s fault!
Even if the divorce is ancient history and there's never not been conflict between houses, the arrival of a stepparent gives children of divorce a gift they never had before: a safe target for their unhappiness. I mean, otherwise they'd have to acknowledge a lot of unpleasant truths about their parents, which most kids can't handle.
2. Stepkids hate that stepparents steal their parent from them
The parent-child bond is mighty strong. Biology designed it that way on purpose; children's literal survival depends on maintaining closeness to their caregiver. Stepkids incorrectly believe that a stepparent showing up on the scene interferes with this, so they view us as the enemy.
Children don't understand that their parent’s love for a romantic partner in no way affects their parent’s love for them. Instead, the primal lizard-brain part of their survival instinct sees a stepparent as a danger to the parent-child bond. The stepkid uses rejection to drive the stepparent threat away… possibly topped off with a fair amount of brattiness.
The usual stepparenting advice is to just give your stepkids plenty of 1-on-1 time with their parent, as if pretending you’re not reallllly part of your stepkids’ life is a viable long-term solution. Spoiler alert: it isn’t. In my experience, no matter how much 1-on-1 time I gave my SD with her dad, she still hated my guts. She was even jealous of the time I spent with him while she was at her mom's house and couldn't be with him anyway.
Those so-called experts who give this bad stepparenting advice leave out the second part of the equation: a stepkid won't stop rejecting you until they start accepting you as part of the family unit, and therefore no longer a threat. And the only way for that to happen is by them getting to know you — which requires you and your stepkids and your partner to all spend time together.
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3. What your stepkid actually hates are your dumb rules
Stepparents come into our stepkids' lives with the best of intentions. We have this idea that what makes us good stepparents is to, you know, parent our stepkids. If our partners aren't on top of giving our stepkids routines and schedules (which, thanks to divorce guilt, is pretty common), we offer to help. When we see a lack of table manners, we offer correction. When we see our stepkids leaving their crap all over the house, we offer reminders. We do all this not because we're big meanies, but because we care about our partner and their kids and we're trying to make life better for everyone.
Stepkids for sure don't see stepparenting that way. Like... at all. All stepkids see is some virtual stranger shoving in where they don't belong and piling on a whole bunch of stupid new rules and stupid new changes — which is bad and scary, as previously discussed.
What's the answer? Don't give your stepkids any rules at all? Ummm.... well, kinda, yeah. Stepping back as a stepparent can hugely improve your relationship with your stepkid, even though doing so feels completely counterintuitive.
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4. YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEGAN AS AN AFFAIR PARTNER
All the same reasons that stepkids reject stepparents still apply when that stepparent started out as an affair partner. However, now instead of just being a symbol of the first family’s demise, the stepparent is viewed as the literal cause.
As adults, we understand that relationships don’t end because of an affair — an affair is a symptom that there are bigger problems going on. But most kids (or heck, even adult stepkids) aren’t gonna grasp the subtleties of that, even if they wanted to. And they don’t. Frankly it’s easier to just blame — and reject! — the stepparent.
Whatever resentment or anger a stepkid would typically direct toward their stepparent is exponentially multiplied when that stepparent was an affair partner. The perspective that the stepparent destroyed the first family might not be an entirely accurate one… but it’s sure hard to explain that to a kid who’s grieving and hurting and angry.
While it’s not impossible for stepkids to eventually come around and decide they’re willing to get to know their parent’s affair partner, the chances are not great. Not to say you can’t enjoy your happily ever after without your stepkids’ blessing, but it’s a good idea to adjust your expectations about what kind of future is possible here and be honest with yourself about what type of outcome is realistic. Polite neutrality might count as #winning in this situation.
5. The ex is turning your stepkids against you
It's not uncommon for divorced people to not get along so hot post-divorce (shocking, I know). This can extend way beyond basic dislike into launching a full-on smear campaign against the other parent. Including anyone else who's standing in the blast zone, such as a stepparent.
I wish I could tell you that it's hard to turn kids against a stepparent, but it's unfortunately ridiculously easy. Your stepkids are already primed to not like you, for all the reasons listed here plus about a million more. Frankly it doesn't take much to nudge them over into full-on hatred and rejection.
Turning the kids against a parent or stepparent through deliberate sabotage is known as parental alienation, an extremely complex issue that's negatively impacted many stepfamilies, including my own. You shouldn't take your stepkid's rejection personally in any case, but especially not when it stems from alienation tactics.
Those who specialize in reunification therapy after parental alienation suggest parenting to the authentic child — in other words, keep acting toward them however you normally would, as if the rejection and brainwashing weren’t happening at all. This lets your stepkids know the door is always open, even if they still decline to step through that door.
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6. Your stepkid rejects you because they secretly like you
Sometimes the reason a stepkid acts like they hate you is because their kid brain cannot reconcile the fact that they like you with the fact that they also love their biological parent. Also known as a loyalty bind, stepkids can think it's a betrayal of their parent to show that they like you — an acknowledgement that they're okay with you replacing their other parent. Which of course you're not, but again kid brains can’t quite grasp this.
So instead of getting to know you better, they preemptively reject you. At other times, they can seem like they're warming up to you, only to act more distant than ever the next time you get together. Our natural instinct is to think we must've done something wrong, not understanding this is the normal ebb-and-flow cycle of the stepparent/stepkid relationship. Your stepkids' conscience tells them they got a little too close to nearly showing affection for you, and now they need to go the other way to prove their loyalty to their bio parent. Loyalty binds can make stepkids run hot and cold so quick you get whiplash.
If this is your situation, try to take your stepkid's rejection as a compliment. The more your stepkid likes you, the worse their guilt — and therefore, the more they'll act like they hate you to prove that they really don't like you and therefore are not betraying their other parent. With time and plenty of space, this type of stepkid rejection has a good chance of eventually evolving into a positive relationship. Once your stepkids can sort out all their mixed feelings, that is.
