Why does stepparenting feel so counterintuitive?
Back when I first started wearing contacts, I’d spend forever stuck in front of the bathroom mirror because I could NOT get my lids open wide enough to get those stupid things in or out. My out-of-control blinking reflex blocked my every attempt at eye drops like a goalie blocking shots at the World Cup. (On the upside, it turns out frustrated angry-crying does help moisturize your eyes enough to get even the most stubborn contacts out.)
My eye doctor's promise that switching to contacts meant I'd finally be free of the headache I'd had for like 6 months did not make any of this easier. My willingness to give the contacts thing a shot didn't shorten my learning curve. And no amount of logic or reason could convince my body's aggressively protective biological response that eye drops and contacts were perfectly harmless and didn't require a maximum security eyeball lockdown.
Contacts are one of those things that our bodies just say NOPE to at first, like every cell stands up on its tippy toes yelling "PROTECT THE EYES, WE ONLY HAVE TWO OF THEM FOR PETE'S SAKE!!" So we just kind of have to... poke and gouge and jab our way forward anyway till we force our instincts into acceptance: Hey listen eyeballs — I know this isn't anyone's first choice, but I swear this is gonna be a good thing in the end.
Stepparenting can feel pretty much the same way.
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What makes stepparenting so hard?
No matter how committed you are to your partner and the family you're trying to build, no one feels great about how complicated stepfamily life is. No one's happy to spend time with a stepkid who acts difficult and bratty, even if we understand all the logical reasons behind their behavior. No one's over the moon about a partner who says things like "Love me, love my kid!" while simultaneously refusing to be our advocate. And certainly no one feels thrilled that a partner's ex gets a vote in our lives... especially when we so rarely feel like we're allowed a vote ourselves.
Our instincts scream NOPE at first. We go into protective lockdown mode, into defensive damage control mode. How can we make this not break our hearts? How can we stepparent differently so we feel safer, less vulnerable?
There's no simple answer. Becoming a stepparent hurts until one day we realize it hurts less. It's hard until we get used to the hardness. We stretch until we become flexible. We learn that our well-intentioned instincts are wrong, and we adapt. We force our own growth in directions we never knew were possible.
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We poke and gouge and jab our way toward "blended" till eventually we get there. Maybe it's not particularly graceful or elegant, maybe there's some angry-crying along the way, but we can get there.
Everything about stepparenting is counterintuitive until... it's not. Everything about living in a stepfamily feels awkward and uncomfortable until... one day it doesn't. The bottleneck you're in right now is just that: a bottleneck. You won't feel stuck where you are forever; there's open spaces and more joy waiting just a little further on down the crunch.
