Blended Family Frappé

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Blended Family Frappé

Helping stepparents find some kinda zen.

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Happy 10-year anniversary to us! I seriously can't believe we made it this far.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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2009 (aka the worst year of my life) really had it all: high-conflict custody battle, parental alienation, supervised visitation, panic attacks, depression, job loss... you name it. It was just bad luck that our wedding day also happened to fall in that year.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Years later that I found out our insanely stressful experience of blending a family was far from abnormal. A LOT of us go through the trial-by-fire method of becoming #stepparents. AWESOME 🙌🏼⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I never thought #stepmomlife would get better. It did. I never thought my relationship with my #stepdaughter would improve. It did. I never thought we'd feel like a real family. We do.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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It takes 5 to 7 years on average to blend a family. We took these photos for our 7-year anniversary, and honestly it took every one of those years for #blendedfamilylife to feel... well, normal. Like a family.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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If any of this sounds familiar, know that you're not doing anything wrong. It just takes time to blend a family. Far longer than any of us realizes when we're just starting out. And know too that even the worst situations can't last forever. Over time, you'll figure out your role. Over time, you'll blend.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Becoming a #stepmom has been a hard road-- the hardest, really-- but I wouldn't trade us for anything. This marriage is absolutely worth all the bullshit we went through to get here. (And we went through A LOT of bullshit.)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Keep fighting the good fight. You deserve a happy ending.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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📷: @sonjakphotography (thanks a million, lady!)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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#10yearanniversary #wecandohardthings #happymarriage #lovethisman #marriagegoals #worthit #blendedfamily #giveittime #bonusmom #divorce #jointcustody #parentalalienation #blendedfamilyfrappe #sonjakphotography #anniversaryphotos #aloha🌺

INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH you guys, stepparents aren't to blame for everything that goes wrong in their blended family!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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#didyouknow that today, March 15, is the Ides of March? Sources suggest that one of the celebrations held on this date in ancient Rome was related to scapegoats-- they'd literally dress an old dude up in animal skins and kick him ceremoniously out of the city.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This, of course, makes me think of #stepparenting. We stepparents, we're the outsiders in our blended family. Stuff that we EASILY see as dysfunctional has been invisible to everyone else. So when we bring up issues that concern us, we're told there either isn't a problem or it's just OUR problem.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Listen. You are not crazy. Stepparenting is an ecosystem, not an island. Whatever might be off-kilter in your blended family is NOT all on you. Not saying we're all blameless & perfect-- just that every blended family is the sum of its parts. Your actions contribute, but everyone else's actions do too.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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If you're carrying around a whole bunch of guilt today, feeling like you're the reason your family isn't blending like you'd hoped, today's a great day to set it down. Believe me, I have been there. I lived there for years. It's not just you. It's never just you. You are not the scapegoat.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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#scapegoat #dontshootthemessenger #ittakesavillage #blame #stepmom #stepmomproblems #stepmomlife #stepmum #stepmumlife #wickedstepmother #stepdad #stepparent #stepparents #blendedfamily #blendedfamilies #disengage #blendedfamilyfrappe

As stepparents, we talk a LOT about loving our stepkids. A LOT. And we talk A LOT about loving our partners and our blended families. What we DON'T talk about is what we're doing to make sure we're loving ourselves.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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"Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line." -- Lucille Ball⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I love this quote, especially for Valentine's Day, because it reminds me of the true concept behind #disengaging. First, we put on our own oxygen mask. We stop giving ourselves empty. We stop trying to control everything (which, in our defense, does come from the best-intentioned place of wanting to make everyone's lives better).⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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The idea of disengaging from our stepkids has been demonized and vilified almost as much as the #stepmom role has been. Disengaging doesn't mean you don't love your stepkids (although it's okay if you don't) and doesn't mean you're gonna start ignoring them or being a jerk to them. What you're truly disengaging from is your own frustration and resentment, which can only be a good thing. For EVERYONE. But especially for you. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Love yourself first. The rest follows.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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On March 4th, I'm kicking off a course on how to disengage (the RIGHT way), and I'd love for you to join. If you register pre-launch, you can get 20% off with the code THANKSIG. Or, just click the link in my bio. Let's spend some time remembering how to love ourselves. We deserve it. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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#loveyourself💕 #putyourownmaskonfirst #selflove #selflovequotes #selfcare #acceptance #youdoyou #codependentnomore #disengage #disengaging #disengagingessay #nachokids #stepmoms #stepmum #bonusmom #bonusmum #stepdad #blendedfamily #stepmomproblems #blendedfamilyfrappe

Just like a #blendedfamily, the ʻōhiʻa tree is the first living thing to put down roots & grow again following a volcanic eruption.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Naja Hall over at @blendedandblack says that divorce is the death of a family. And then we, lucky stepparents that we are, come traipsing in across all that barren destruction with NOOOOO IDEA what we're walking into.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Well I mean, no WONDER this is hard. Just look at that landscape! All sharp black rock far as the eye can see. But the thing is, volcanic soil is also the most fertile. It just takes a hot minute to break down all those razor edges and turn inhospitable rock into a nurturing environment where new life can grow & thrive.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Blending a family takes, on average, 5 to 7 years. If you're 3 months in, 6 months in, or a few years in and you're wondering whether things will ever get better, don't give up hope yet! Becoming a stepparent takes time. Finding your groove takes time. Creating new life from the ashes takes time. You got this! 💚⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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#dontgiveup #findyourgroove #yougotthis #lovealwayswins #lifefindsaway #lifeafterdivorce #blendedfamily #blendedfamilylife #blendedfamilies #stepmomming #stepmomlife #ohiatree #blendedandblessed #blendedfamilieswork #blessedstepmom #stepmom #stepmoms #stepmama #stepmum #stepdad #stepparent #stepparenting #ohiatree #aloha #blendedfamilyfrappe

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Ask Me Anything My Fave Resources What's Blended Family Frappé? What's Disengaging? Help for High Conflict Help for Parental Alienation Blending Your Family