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How to support your partner when they’re co-parenting with a narcissist ex

Blended Family Frappé

One of my favorite quotes about co-parenting with a narcissist is that narcissists don’t co-parent — they counter-parent. A narc co-parent has their own agenda and they view anything outside that agenda as a threat… including your attempts to co-parent amicably. A high-conflict ex doesn’t care about the collateral damage they cause along the way, including the damage they cause to their own kids.

I’m not here to armchair diagnose anyone or water down the word ‘narcissist’ — which is a valid, diagnosable mental disorder that’s listed in the DSM — but stepparents should be aware when they’re entering a situation that’s way beyond the realm of standard post-divorce stuff.

While few divorces are amicable, some cross the line over into high conflict. And if our partners are stuck on the receiving end of a Chernobyl-level meltdown dealing with a manipulative, controlling, or narcissistic co-parent hell-bent on destroying their lives, we stepparents are standing right there next to them… right smack in the red zone. We need to know the best way to support our partners and our stepkids while also protecting ourselves.

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Some signs your partner is probably co-parenting with a narcissist

What are some signs that our partners might be co-parenting with a narcissist ex? There’s a stack of red flags to watch for:

  • Narcissists don’t admit fault. Nothing is ever their fault; things are always happening to them, like they have chronically bad luck.

  • Narcissists also get really good at knowing what’s acceptable and not acceptable by society at large, so they’ll say just enough to make their victim think they’re accepting partial blame. But really everything they do is about control.

  • Narcissists are deeply competitive and are always looking for ways to save face. They don’t like being told what to do.

  • Narcs do things to get a rise out of the other partner, including using their kids as weapons and smack-talking the other parent. (“If your mother/father didn’t take all my money, then I could get you that toy” etc.)

  • Lastly, narcissists are concerned with themselves first before anyone else, if they think of anyone else at all. Everything is about them: their schedule, their money, their time. If a narcissist doesn’t see a purpose that serves them on a personal level, they don’t see the point in participating. They’ll go great lengths to avoid doing anything for anyone else.

What causes someone to become a narcissist?

Narcissism doesn’t come out of nowhere, right? How do narcissistic traits even develop? Under that narcissistic bravado hides the secret thought they’re not good enough, which means that how others view the narcissist is of the utmost importance. Narcissists think they’re special, unique, and misunderstood. More than that, maintaining this illusion to everyone around them is of utmost importance, so it’s common for narcissists to smear the name of their victim constantly to other people.

A narc co-parent will tell mutual friends and acquaintances that they were the victims. The narc will imply that the actual victim is the crazy one. And, because narcissists can come across as quite charming, people believe them.

Talk about adding insult to injury.

Are there different types of narcissists?

While each individual narcissist is different, most will fall under the two primary types of narcissistic personality disorder: covert narcissists or overt narcissists.

  • Covert narcissists are low-key yet underhanded. They’re the victim of everything imaginable: nothing is never their fault; they’ve tried everything and look for every way possible to get people to feel sorry for them. Covert narcs are the co-workers we all dread, who skate by on the bare minimum but make everyone around them (especially their bosses) think they worked oh so very hard. They’re basically a Poor Me on steroids.

  • By contrast, overt narcissists are grandiose, loud-mouthed, and obnoxious. They need everyone to think they’re the best human EVER, and become relentless emotional vampires in their quest to suck up every bit of attention in the room. They swoop in, systematically divest their victims of their self-esteem and confidence until they’re empty shells, then move quickly to their next target.

While there are some clear differences between covert vs. overt narcissists, both share the same core traits of a superiority complex combined with a total disregard for others.

What impact can narcissistic abuse have on our partners?

If you’re dating (or married to) someone who’s recovering from narcissistic abuse, your partner is likely hauling around some hardcore baggage you might not realize exists. Narc abuse causes significant damage, including PTSD and C-PTSD.

Yet despite these very real effects, narc victims often use denial of any abuse as a defense mechanism to help them cope. For example, they may convince themselves (and insist to those around them) that their narc abuser has the best intentions and shows many positive traits, even when the narcissist’s actions repeatedly demonstrate otherwise.

Additionally, like any victim of domestic abuse, a victim of narcissistic personality disorder is constantly looking for all the ways they can’t trust themselves to choose a healthy partner. And they have trust issues about any new partner too— why wouldn’t they, when they’re busy guarding themselves against a toxic ex who already abandoned them, might use their children to hurt them, says things to take down their self-esteem, and gaslights them by telling them they’re imagining all of this.

A narc abuse survivor also needs time (and probably a lot of therapy) to heal the deep damage caused by their narcissistic abuser. Narc abuse survivors have likely said and done things to protect themselves that they never would’ve said or done otherwise, which can lead to regret spiraling into self-disgust. Victims of a narc ex need time to forgive themselves— and they also need to learn how to navigate a healthy relationship with a new, stable, non-game-playing partner.

So if you’re that partner, be prepared to show up armed with a ton of love, patience, and understanding.

How can stepparents help our partners realize their ex is a narcissist?

Dan’s lack of boundaries with his toxic, verbally abusive ex was a huge problem in our relationship, especially in the early years. This was not helped by Dan’s total denial that there was any kind of problem at all. And yet, nearly every interaction with HCBM would become this massive time and energy suck, leaving him drained and wrecked.

But even once he admitted that perhaps this wasn’t the best way for them to communicate, he had no alternative ideas for how to approach her. He was already trying his best to compromise. He was already attempting to defuse the situation as best he could. Without understanding that you can’t actually co-parent with someone who’s high-conflict, all Dan could do was keep getting dragged into angry, circular arguments with his ex.

Life improved hugely once Dan started following some basic high-conflict co-parenting tips, like communicating only in writing and setting office hours rather than instantly hopping to his narc ex’s beck and call. He followed Bill Eddy’s BIFF® Response method to the letter, keeping all communication brief, informative, friendly, and firm. And most importantly, he started parallel parenting instead of attempting to co-parent.

Did these changes happen overnight? Nope. Dan had spent years trapped in the chaotic web of his narcissist ex-wife, and then spent years more continuing on with the same behavioral patterns and actions he learned during his marriage. The long-term pattern of narcissistic abuse triggered him into a permanent fight-or-flight state and he didn’t know how to get off the ride. Breaking the cycle of abuse took a long-ass time.

Grey-rocking a narcissistic co-parent: does it work?

If you’ve spent any amount of time researching how to deal with a toxic or high-conflict co-parent, you’ve probably heard of the gray rock method. This approach, in short, involves making yourself as boring as a grey rock.

Narcissists thrive on antagonizing their victims. They push buttons, they cause conflict and drama, they get off on others’ reactionary emotional response. A narc co-parent will try to turn their kids against anyone they can’t bully into submission, including stepparents as well as parents. Their goal is chaos, because only through causing chaos can they achieve complete control.

Don’t give them what they want.

Instead, respond like you’re a little ol’ grey rock. Refuse to take their bait and decline to participate in drama. No matter what the narc co-parent throws in your direction, remain neutral.

At first, the narcissist might double down; they’ll panic because their usual tricks don’t seem to be working. Over time, though, going grey rock trains these emotional vampires that you’re no longer a viable food source for them. Eventually they move on to a new victim.

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Is there any way we can help protect our kids/stepkids from a narcissistic co-parent?

Just like in cases of parental alienation, being raised by a narcissistic parent can tremendously impact a child’s emotional development. If the narc co-parent slanders us or our partners, our instincts tell us to defend ourselves… but how can we do that without badmouthing the other parent?

Remember that correcting factual inaccuracies isn’t the same thing as badmouthing. Think of creative ways to respond with a neutral statement that doesn’t threaten your child’s loyalty binds, like “To my recollection, what happened was…” And then redirect the conversation back toward safer topics. To help your children move away from a superhero/villain mentality that pits one parent against the other, encourage critical thinking and push them toward a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset.

You also want to set your home up as their safe place — love those kiddos unconditionally without keeping score or putting conditions on that love. Lead by example and model appropriate boundary setting-behavior when it comes to interactions with the narc ex.

Finally, never forget that your primary goal should be to stop the abuse cycle. Most narcissists come from a family with a narcissistic parent themselves. A narcissist can’t truly love because they don’t know how to love themselves. The interest they show in their child’s live isn’t genuine — they’re more interested in how their child’s life appears to the outside world.

Demonstrate what healthy connection and unconditional love looks like, and your kids will grow up to recognize the difference between true emotional support vs. the empty showcasing a narc parent pretends is love.

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