After my kid's dad moved out and I became a single parent, I believed — as many single parents do — that my daughter was now my number one priority and nothing else could get in the way of that ever. She'd already been through enough. So it was my job as a responsible parent and a responsible adult to put her needs first as much as possible, no matter what.

What I didn't realize back then was that that sweeping sentiment, well-intentioned as it was, left no room for a new partner to enter. Because in order for a stepfamily to function, your partnership has to come first, not your kids. And making that mindset shift to putting your relationship first actually serves your kids better in the long run.

Yep. You read that right. It's better for your kids if they don't come first.

And if you think that seems mighty backwards, don't worry — I'm gonna use this entire blog post to explain.

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Wait— so your partner comes first in a blended family? Not the kids?? 🙀

Let me start with a disclaimer. I don't think it's a great idea to think of anyone as coming "first" in a stepfamily; it's not a competition.

The love we feel for our partners and the love we feel for our kids isn't the same — not to mention the relationships themselves are completely different.

It's not that one relationship is better or stronger or more important. You can't quantify love that way.

Both kids and partner need dedicated attention to survive and thrive. (And you need attention from both of them too.)

In a traditional family, we all know what happens if you neglect your relationship and focus all your energy on your kids: the relationship suffers. Similarly, neglecting our kids to focus solely on a partner is harmful to the kids.

So don't think of it as "relationship vs. kids" in terms of which one is supposed to ALWAYS come first.

It's really not about "first." It's about prioritizing whose needs are most important in the moment while finding that big-picture balance.

Stepfamily dynamics when we put the kids first

That said, many kids in stepfamilies can feel like they do need to compete with a stepparent for their parent's undivided attention.

Part of this is just feeling anxious and wanting extra reassurance — kids experience a whole lot of changes when their parents break up, and they're nervous about yet more changes.

Introducing a new family structure also makes kids uncertain about where exactly they fit in, especially if they've been elevated to an almost adult-like status in the absence of a romantic partner.

Kids who've taken on more grownup responsibilities around the home to help out their single parent — whether that's doing chores, contributing to decision-making, or acting as their parent's primary companion — can feel threatened by a stepparent.

Except the kids should never have been put in that position in the first place. At best, it's an awful lot of stress for these small humans to carry. At worst, you're looking at mini wife/mini husband syndrome or parentification. No bueno.

Giving kids too many adult choices puts a ton of pressure on them; the best thing parents can do for our kids is protect their childhood by saving them from having to grow up too fast.

Grownups are supposed to be in charge for a reason — giving kids routines, guidelines, and structure helps them feel safe and secure.

Which is why it's also not great for kids to receive the red carpet treatment from their parent full-time, either.

Dropping everything when the kids show up and making our entire lives about tending to their every whim can seem like the right thing to do, like we're reassuring the kiddos how important they are to us.

What’s really happening is that the kids get treated more like houseguests (aka outsiders) instead of part of the family. Which, again, makes them uncertain about how they fit in.

All of this destabilizes your family's central dynamics — a family that now includes a new partner who's getting sidelined and marginalized as a result of that instability, because every ounce of available attention gets funneled toward the kids.

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Stepparents matter too

A single parent will never ever ever meet a partner who's perfectly fine putting their own emotional needs on hold till those kids turn 18. And as parents, it's not healthy for us to put our own emotional needs on hold till the kids move out either.

Many single parents have this idea that we can somehow establish serious romantic relationships without those relationships impacting our kids whatsoever. And I totally get that — we all want to protect our kids from any unnecessary upheaval in their lives — but it's completely unrealistic.

A new partnership will affect your kids. Neglecting your partner's (or your own) needs in an attempt to prove to your kids (or yourself) that your love life won't impact them isn't sustainable.

Unmet needs, over time, build up as frustration and resentment that undermine the solidity of your relationship, and this disharmony spreads to the entire stepfamily. While making a shitload of compromises is a job requirement for any stepparent, the stepparent can't be the only person making compromises.

As a parent, it's important to remember that you're modeling the behaviors you want your children to learn from. This includes modeling what a healthy romantic relationship looks like, as well as modeling what a functional stepfamily dynamic looks like. Your child's stepparent deserves — and should be treated — as an equal member of the household.

Consistently breaking your promises and commitments to your partner in an effort to appease your kids reinforces over and over again that your relationship isn't a priority. And also sends the message to your kids that their stepparent isn't a "real" member of the family — their voice doesn't really count.

Your kid's wants can't take precedence over your relationship's needs

Now of course, you wouldn't be a responsible parent if you weren't taking care of your kid's needs.

However, there's a different between needs and wants — and your kid's wants can't take priority over the needs of your partner or your relationship. Similarly, your partner's wants can't take precedence over your child's needs.

Flexibility is necessary in any stepfamily — from all parties involved. If Dan & I are enjoying a date night alone, and his daughter calls from a slumber party, crying because she wants to come home... well, he's gotta go pick up his kid. Neither of us is thrilled to interrupt our date night, but we both understand this is the kind of thing that happens sometimes when you're raising kids. Their needs come before our wants.

Similarly, if I'm talking with Dan, who's upset because he's had a terrible day, and my kid comes in and interrupts to show us something that could wait for 10 minutes — that's my cue to say "Hey kiddo, can you give us a few minutes? Dan & I are in the middle of something right now." My partner's needs come before my child's wants.

Is it possible that when something like this happens, your kid is gonna pout and sulk and complain about you "choosing" your partner over them? Yep, very likely!

So sit down with your kid and talk it out: "Well Kiddo, I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. But when we love people, we do what we can to support them when they need us. Just like I'm there for you when you're hurt or upset, right? It's not me choosing them over you. I love them and I love you and there's enough love in my heart for everyone. Now, what was that thing you wanted to show me earlier?"

Empathize, explain in age-appropriate terms, reassure, then redirect.

Your relationship forms the foundation of your blended family

There's a lot of differences between a traditional family and a stepfamily — but one thing is the same for both: your relationship with your partner serves as the foundation of your family.

You're not choosing who gets priority between the kids vs your partner — you're positioning your relationship as the nucleus of your your stepfamily: a rock-solid base upon which your blended family can be built.

In other words, it's not that your relationship comes "first" over your kids, as if your partner is more important than your children. It's that a strong partnership is the primary contributor to the stability of your entire blended family. And that stability creates a predictable, reliable environment for your kids to grow up in, which can only benefit them… and you, and your relationship, and your stepfamily as a whole.

If you and your partner are struggling to get on the same page about this — or any other foundational aspects of blending your family — you should for sure check out the guide Dan & I put together on how to blend a family. We cover both viewpoints, parent and stepparent, so you’ll get a balanced perspective on how to set your stepfamily’s future up for success.

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