4 ways stepparents can protect their own mental health in high conflict
A lot of the resources I create around high conflict co-parenting have to do with the primary parent in a blended family rather than the stepparent. Which makes sense, right? Our partners are technically the ones co-parenting with their high conflict ex, therefore they're the first line of defense in protecting us from that conflict.
In theory.
The thing is, though, a lot of our partners aren't great at that, for various reasons. Maybe they've got shitty boundaries with their ex, or they drank the Kool-Aid about how "good" co-parenting means just going along with what the other parent says, or they're living in total denial that there's anything wrong at all. Or maybe they’re still traumatized by the aftereffects of their relationship with this toxic person. Probably a combination of all of these.
Regardless of the reason, if your partner fails to manage their ex's conflict in an effective way, that leaves you, the stepparent, wayyyyy too exposed to all that toxicity. So today, let's talk about some of the best ways stepparents can protect ourselves from our partner's high conflict ex.
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1. Disengage from the conflict
Our tendency as stepparents is to get all protective when we witness our partners let their high-conflict ex walk all over them. We see them bend over backwards for their ex (to their own detriment) and suggest different approaches we think they should take. Different scripts they should follow. We coach them before phone calls and tweak the wording of their emails and texts before they hit send.
We do all of this because we love our partners and we want to help. We have the best of intentions. We think we're helping them stand up for themselves — and, bigger picture, stand up for the future of our relationship and this family we're trying to build together.
The problem comes in when our partners don't follow our well-meaning advice. Or worse: they do the opposite. Instead of creating boundaries, they bend over backwards further. Instead of saying "That schedule change won't work for me; we already have plans" they make last-minute changes that undermine the plans we were looking forward to — whether those plans were with or without our stepkids.
And because having your partner ignore your opinion and your advice feels really shitty, this behavior typically leads to friction between you and your partner. Sometimes it can feel like your entire relationship has turned into arguments about your partner's ex.
If any of this sounds familiar, it's time to disengage. Now, normally I talk about disengaging in the context of disengaging from your stepkids — but you can certainly disengage from the ex and/or high conflict as well.
I don't mean for this to sound overly simplistic ("Oh there's conflict? Just ignore it!!" 💁🏻♀️) but disengaging isn't about ignoring. It's about recognizing where you've become a little too emotionally involved, and then taking a conscious step back.
The way this might look IRL can be different for everyone:
No longer offering unsolicited advice (and only offering suggestions when asked!)
No longer assisting in your partner's communications with the ex (and not nagging them to reply faster, either!)
No longer making elaborate plans for family activities (and getting more creative and spontaneous instead!)
Primarily though, disengaging means letting your partner live with the consequences of their own actions or inactions. Because— speaking from personal experience here — until they feel the full weight of those consequences, they're not gonna change.
The beauty of disengaging is that by giving yourself some emotional space from the conflict, you actually become better able to support your partner. Once I disengaged, I was able to view Dan's co-parenting conflict more like a problem he brought home from work. I supported and sympathized and came up with suggestions, but left the final decision up to him. And stopped getting so emotionally invested in the outcome, too.
One of the hardest truths I ever had to learn how to accept about stepfamily life was that I could not fight harder to minimize Dan's ex's influence on our family than he was willing to himself. I could not care more about protecting his relationship with his daughter than he was willing to himself. And trying to was costing me my own sanity.
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2. Set your own boundaries
Disengaging is an amazing tool to keep in your stepparenting toolbox, but you can't disengage without first setting boundaries. And setting boundaries becomes even more important when your partner sucks at setting their own... or refuses to. Let's take the way-too-common example of your partner agreeing to a last-minute schedule change without checking with you first.
Dan was a pro at this, and I never felt like I could tell him no. If the change meant extra time with his kid, I didn't want him to miss out on that. At the same time, I hated the constant cancelling and rearranging of whatever plans we already had lined up. I felt powerless and pissed off... especially since I was usually the person setting up all plans in the first place.
If I could do it all over again, I'd have followed through on our original plans, even if that meant my stepdaughter ended up missing whatever family movie date or camping trip we had planned. Why disappoint my own kid just because Dan had shitty boundaries? And if Dan agreed to extra time with my SD when I hadn't planned on her being with us, I wouldn't drop everything to accommodate that. His choice; his responsibility to handle the logistics.
I'm not saying you should refuse to compromise. Compromise is essential when blending a family. But when the only person compromising regularly is the stepparent, it's not so much "compromising" anymore as it is getting taken advantage of. The key is finding a way to navigate within these tricky confines that doesn't carve away pieces of ourselves. So if, for example, you feel like the only thing you ever talk about is the ex, maybe that's a good place to implement some boundaries: by setting office hours to limit how much you talk about this crap.
I also want to take a minute to say, it's a whole lot easier to maintain healthy boundaries if your partner’s custody order proactively includes conflict-minimizing aspects. Such as including clear language around neither parent being allowed to make arbitrary decisions about last-minute schedule changes, for example. Or what the consequences are if one parent withholds visitation.
For more tips, I have a whole blog post on making your custody orders work for you instead of against you: ➡️ 4 POINTS TO INCLUDE IN A HIGH-CONFLICT PARENTING PLAN 👀
3. Ramp up the self-care
Hopefully you're one of those people who already practiced regular, committed self-care before becoming a stepparent. If so, keep doing that! In fact, do more of that, because stepparenting is super stressful and the best way to reduce stress is to already have a stress management plan in place.
I was not one of those people, and I'm positive that's one of the main reasons why stepparenting was so freaking hard for me. If you too are a little bit late to the self-care game, I highly recommend you start. And soon.
Stepparents make a lot of sacrifices for our blended families, even to the point of denying certain aspects of our personalities in an attempt to help everyone blend better.
A hardcore introvert, I nevertheless spent every waking moment engaging in Blended Family Bonding Activities™ during my stepdaughter's visitation time with us, because I thought that was the best and fastest way to make us a "real" family.
Even though I felt drained putting out all that energy (on top of already feeling drained from being in such close proximity to my stepdaughter's emotional roller coaster and Dan’s high-conflict ex), I didn't set aside any solo time for myself so I could recharge.
By the way, if you're ever trying to burn out really quickly on stepparenting, this is a great way to do it. 🙌🏼
What would've served myself and my family a million times better would've been to prioritize my own emotional health and well-being. I didn't do anyone any favors by forging ahead when what I really wanted and needed was to rest, dammit. And frankly, just plain hide out from all the drama once in awhile.
Stepparents are allowed to take breaks, and you need to make time and space for that. Put your own oxygen mask on first, can't pour from an empty cup, etc. etc. It’s no exaggeration to say self-care is essential for stepparents, especially those of us in high conflict.
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4. Do the work
One of the most insidious aspects of high conflict is that the never-ending drama overshadows the need for us to do the work within ourselves... not to mention the work we need to do as a stepcouple and as a stepfamily to actually blend.
We don't realize how much effort has to go into blending our family — we're too busy blaming the person we think is the obvious villain preventing us from blending: that big bad high-conflict ex. They're the problem. If the ex would just calm down and back off, then our family would blend just fine.
I believed this for many years. Any issues within our family that came up, I automatically attributed to the ex. Not saying that she didn't contribute and make the whole blending process a lot more difficult than it had to be — she definitely did. But her actions weren't the only reason we were struggling to find our way as a stepfamily.
Blending a family takes 5 to 7 years, on average, and can take 10+ years in high conflict. So yeah, conflict can lengthen the blending process, but feeling like a family is gonna take several years regardless.
With time and the clarity of hindsight, I can see now that one of the biggest obstacles in our ability to blend was my own preconceptions about what it meant to be a family.
I just could not wrap my brain around the idea that we could be a "real" family when my stepdaughter spent so little time with us and our relationship with her was so rocky. And when so much of our time was spent arguing with (or about) Dan's ex.
I invested a shitload of time and energy trying to change these things, and I can tell you that those efforts would've been far better spent on A) working toward acceptance and B) finding creative solutions instead. And also C) therapy.
When one of the blocks that kept me stuck was obsessing over Dan's ex, why didn't I put work toward... not obsessing? When my anxiety became all-encompassing, why did I keep poring over Dan's court paperwork instead of prioritizing my mental health?
It's not uncommon for stepparents to throw themselves so thoroughly into the stepparenting role that they lose themselves a bit (or a whole lot) in the process.
The combination of disengaging + setting boundaries + not neglecting your own self-care is essential for keeping your feet on solid ground.
From there, toss in some inner work and counseling and you'll feel a whole lot more sane, even amid all the chaos that high conflict co-parenting typically carries.
The cure for high conflict
If you've read this far, you might be thinking that all of this sounds like an awful lot of work. Yep! You are not wrong! And it really, really sucks to be in this position: where your partner is doing very little to protect you and your family from their high-conflict ex, so your mental health is suffering as a result.
I was frazzled by stepparenting for years — first, because Dan lacked boundaries. And then even after he finally got some boundaries, neither of us understood that the rules for co-parenting are different in high conflict, so those boundaries weren't particularly effective.
I did a ton of soul-searching about whether staying in this relationship was even worth it. Heck, not even "worth it" but sustainable. Like, could I stay in this situation without losing my mind completely?
The answer was no — I could not. I mean yes I stayed, but my mental health crashed and burned hardcore and I ended up with stepparenting PTSD on top of my anxiety disorder spiraling into completely unmanageable levels. So there were very real consequences for me choosing to continue in this relationship and try to make us into a stepfamily.
I'm not saying that's what will happen to you. But I am saying that high conflict blended family life is messy and they have not yet invented a hazmat suit that's sealed tightly enough to keep you completely protected when that muck comes splashing your way. That's the reality of living with someone whose ex is high conflict.
Stepparents are not powerless bystanders, though. We can make critical changes in our own actions, priorities, and perceptions that help minimize the impact of our partner's high conflict ex.
Once you’ve taken steps to shelter yourself more from the constant stress bombardment, your mind and body can begin to heal enough that you remember a life outside the conflict is indeed possible.
