How to keep your cool during your partner's custody battle
Most of our first year of marriage was spent in a custody battle with Dan's high-conflict ex — and that wasn't the first or last time he spent months in court with her.
I can't imagine a more relationship-testing way to start what was supposed to be a new life together.
I felt like any potential future we had as a blended family was going to be determined by the outcome of Dan’s family court hearings.
How did I, the stepparent on the sidelines of my husband's court battle, handle the pressure? Not well, I can tell you! Here's a whole giant list of stuff I wish I'd known back then.
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Does the stepparent even have a role during a custody battle?
It's common for custody disputes to involve the primary parents and no one else.
So as a stepparent, you might technically not play any role in your partner's custody battle — within the courtroom, that is. But don't underestimate the many outside-the-courtroom ways you can still support your partner during their custody battle!
Support & listen. Let your partner vent, and validate what they're going through — but then also be ready to redirect them if the discussion becomes unproductive or starts going in circles. You don't want every conversation about your partner’s custody battle ending up as a toxic bitch fest. Your guidance can keep your partner grounded so they're not getting bulldozed by their emotions.
Help your partner clarify their goals. What's their ideal outcome? Serve as your partner's sounding board. Work together to identify non-negotiables — a list of must-haves and must-not-haves. It's best for your partner to have a plan in mind before they ever walk into a courtroom or mediation session. Here’s some pointers to get you started: ➡️ 4 POINTS TO INCLUDE IN A HIGH-CONFLICT PARENTING PLAN 👀
Brainstorm court strategy tips. Discuss what your partner is willing to compromise on. Budging a bit on the small stuff can gain you some goodwill, while stubbornness can come at a high cost. Asking for more than your ideal end result will leave you more negotiating room. (Be sure to work with your lawyer on all this too!)
Organize documentation. Gather relevant paperwork, review motions and proposals before and after they head off to the lawyer (lawyers are humans who can make mistakes — always double check), set up calendar reminders for important dates. Basically become the Keeper of All Things Important.
Research like crazy. A custody battle can require a lot of legwork. Your partner will have to be their own best advocate, and in order to do that, they'll have to become ridiculously well-informed. Which you can totally help with! Is your partner unclear what their legal parenting rights are? Find out. Want to know your local child support guidelines? Look 'em up. Don't have a lawyer yet? Help your partner find one. A good one. Preferably the best you can afford, hopefully someone who's been personally recommended to you, and definitely a lawyer who's in alignment with you and your goals.
Build your partner back up. Those long days in custody court having your character and parenting abilities questioned at length are brutal. At the end of the day, it's really nice for partners to come home to someone who can reassure them about how awesome they are.
DISENGAGE AS NEEDED
Emotionally disengaging from your partner’s court drama a bit can be realllly helpful. I'm not saying you should distance yourself from your partner, but do give yourself enough mental space that you can be as objective as possible when you offer support. Fume internally as much as you need, but on the outside? Steady as a rock!
Be mindful that your partner is gonna be super stressed during their court battle, and that might not come out in the healthiest ways. Try not to hold it against them. Give them (and yourself) space if they need it.
Oh, and the same goes for your stepkids — they're likely to be a hot mess while their parents are duking it out in court. If your stepkids were rejecting you already, that behavior may intensify during the custody battle. If they weren't rejecting you before... well, they might start. Do your best not to take it personally. Hopefully it's only temporary.
Ideally, you can support your stepkids and introduce positive coping mechanisms to help them manage their own custody battle stress.
However, also prepare yourself for possibility they might have zero interest in your input right now. Stay open to what they might need, even if that means taking a step back from your stepkid for the moment.
Disengaging doesn’t have to be a bad thing!
Learn how to take a (loving!) step back >>
High conflict custody battles: a reality check
Dealing with a high conflict ex stirs up a mixed bag of emotions — strong emotions. And that'll only increase during a drawn-out custody battle.
If the ex is high conflict, then chances are they're probably not the most honest or scrupulous individual; don't expect that to change during a custody battle.
Brace yourself for the possibility of lie-filled depositions, the ex poisoning the kids against you, and/or deliberately twisted misinterpretations of events to paint one or both of you in a negative light.
We all want to believe that the system will see through the ex’s shenanigans, but the harsh reality is... well, sometimes the system doesn't.
You're not powerless, though. Take the high road and respond with facts and evidence, not emotions. Channel your ultra calm and logical inner Vulcan— ask yourself what would Spock do?
If all else fails, find the absurdity where you can. Laughing at the ridiculousness of it all can help defuse the anger you'd rather respond with instead.
The other aspect of a high conflict custody battle you need to be realistic about is just how much of your life will be affected.
Typically, any existing high conflict intensifies during court — so batten down the hatches and prepare yourself for an onslaught.
It’s for sure gonna suck watching your partner go through their court battle even when you're not directly involved. And if you do end up directly involved, like being scrutinized by various court professionals or going through awkward home inspections or who knows what else… on top of a months-long trial... yiiiiiikes. 😱😱😱
I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer. I just know how horribly unprepared I personally was for how emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially exhausting my husband's custody battle was going to end up being.
And one of the main reasons I was so wrecked is because I had no real self-care routine or coping mechanisms in place that were capable of supporting my mental health under such intense circumstances. Who knew I needed that??
OVERWHELMED BY A MILLION MIXED EMOTIONS?
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Manage your court battle stress proactively
You might’ve noticed that my previous list of the many ways you can support your partner through court had approximately one million things on it. So before we continue, I want to take a minute to say that if you cannot do those things because it’s all just way too much for you to handle, that is completely valid too.
I know firsthand that trying to overachieve at helping Dan win his custody battle pretty much demolished me mind, body, and spirit. Which left our family — and especially my own kid — unsupported and floundering.
You’ve gotta find the way you can contribute that feels manageable to you, and no one else.
The best way you can support your partner while they're getting dragged through court by the ex is to be the calm, sane, consistent, safe landing spot they can always return to.
And speaking from personal experience, it's really hard to channel that chill zen vibe when you're alternating between utter despair and wanting to claw certain people's eyes out.
My recommendation? Take care of you first boo, and get ahead of that stress if at all humanly possible:
Schedule extra therapy sessions.
Find some healthy distractions — for you and your partner.
Ramp up your self-care routine like whoa.
In other words, make sure you're not so freaked and frazzled that your partner's worrying over how to help you hold your shiz together on top of what they're already going through.
You don't want to end up as yet one more item on your partner's long-ass list of complicated problems they don't know how to solve.
You should also look for an external support network outside of your partner, whether that takes the shape of friends and family or seeing a counselor.
At all times, keep your own oxygen mask on first. You won't be able to be there for your partner in the way you'd like unless you yourself are getting the help you need to stay grounded.
Court tips if you do end up in the courtroom
Many stepparents aren't directly involved with their partner's custody battle, while others are. If you do end up in court yourself, here's some pointers to keep in mind:
Focus on your attorney and the judge. Make a normal amount of eye contact.
Avoid looking at the ex or their attorney. Do not give them any of your energy.
Keep your responses polite and friendly, but also brief, fact-based, and to the point.
Answer any question in terms of how the issue affects your stepkids rather than how you or your partner are affected.
Only answer questions when directly asked — don't volunteer extra information.
Be careful with your language. High conflict personalities (and their lawyers) love to twist words; what you say might get used against you later on. So stay off the moors! Stick to the points that need addressing and don't deviate from them.
If the ex's attorney gives you a hard time, stop talking, look at the judge/mediator, and say in a polite way with an apologetic smile, "I'm not sure how to respond." This gives you a chance to collect yourself and disarms the attorney's attempt to dominate and confuse you.
To help keep yourself calm throughout your partner’s custody battle, do whatever grounding and destress practice helps you the most, both throughout the days and weeks leading up to the court date and right before you walk in.
Even just taking 3 deep breaths can help calm your nervous system. (Beta blockers can help also — check with your doctor on this.) Managing the physical symptoms of stress can be really helpful too: keep your blood sugar steady and avoid caffeine.
Remember: you're representing yourself and your partner as the reasonable ones, so do not engage in any action that will feed into the ex's bullshit. Judges and mediators are supposed to be neutral but this is not their first rodeo — they'll (hopefully) see who the problem party is and appreciate that you're the calm and centered party.
For more help appearing in court against a high-conflict ex, I highly recommend the folks over at Been There, Got Out. They offer comprehensive legal strategy and advice for those of us in exactly these situations, including a weekly support group call.
Don't forget to exist outside your partner's custody battle
Most importantly, don't forget that you have a whole entire existence outside of your partner's grim adventures in family court — as hard as that may be to remember when you're in the thick of it.
A high conflict custody battle can feel like it's never gonna end and this is just your life now, so you have to keep reminding yourself that this is a finite period of time that will pass.
This shit feels hard because it IS hard. But even the most bleak and bitter season of your life is just that: a season.
Compartmentalizing the court drama helps. Get all your prep work and research and whatnot done — and then move on to other things and don't dwell. While it's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared, you don't want paperwork and documentation to take over your life, either.
You also need to exist as a couple outside your partner's custody battle. Keep your regularly scheduled date nights and don't talk about court business during that time. Give yourself office hours and limit the amount of time you spend on venting and strategy talks.
If your partner's custody fight ends up devouring the rest of your life, the ex wins... regardless of the actual court outcome.
Finally, remember that despite your very best efforts, you can't control or predict what will happen in court. The hearing might go your way — but then again, it might not.
Either way, the two of you will face the ruling together as a team, and a stronger team at that for having faced down yet one more challenge — and survived it — together.
