How to prove parental alienation: 4 documentation tools
After identifying the signs of parental alienation, the next question we all ask ourselves is how (and whether) we can stop parental alienation syndrome from happening.
Every resource you’ll ever read on PAS will tell you that documentation is critical. There are plenty of documentation tools out there, though — which is the best way to prove parental alienation and help you get your family back?
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1. Good ol' fashioned pen & paper custody journal
A custody journal a simple notebook or planner where you can keep track of the kids' schedule and jot down quick notes related to co-parenting. If you've got paperwork, like receipts or photo documentation, you can tuck them right in the back of your notebook. Some people say courts prefer documentation that's in hard copy format, and a custody journal fits that bill.
PROS:
Inexpensive
No instructions needed
Can capture information quickly
CONS:
Not secure (although you could keep it in a lockbox)
Need to bring it everywhere if you plan on making notes on the go
2. Co-parenting apps
For better or worse, most of us are glued to our phones, so using a co-parenting app to document parental alienation is pretty dang handy. There's a bunch of co-parenting apps out there (comparing them is a whole separate blog post that I'll have to write someday) that can track all kinds of different things, from calendars and visitation times to child support and medical expense reimbursements. Most apps also let you upload photo documentation, like receipts or other pictures.
Co-parenting apps are designed so that all co-parenting communication takes place within the app — some even let you record phone calls.
Most co-parenting apps let you share your communication records with lawyers, counselors, or other court-appointed professionals like a parenting coordinator.
Typically, you'll also have access to a private journaling or record-keeping area of the app that's not shared with your co-parent where you can make more detailed parental alienation documentation notes.
The specific functionality varies from app to app so you might need to try a couple out before you find the one that'll work best to document your ex's parental alienation tactics. A few of the most commonly used and recommended co-parenting apps include:
The main downside of using a co-parenting app to document parental alienation is that many of them require both parties to use them to be truly effective.
If you're co-parenting with a high-conflict ex, chances are good that they're not cooperating on much of anything... including the use of a co-parenting app.
PROS:
Right on your phone
Can upload files, photos, and other documentation
Can loop in your lawyer and/or counselor
CONS:
Can be pricey
Most require both parents to participate
Risk of data getting lost, corrupted, or accessed without authorization
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3. NOTE-TAKING APPS
If you want the convenience of phone-based documentation but know your co-parent is never gonna agree to using a co-parenting app, there are info-collecting apps out there that could still work to track your ex’s alienation tactics without needing their cooperation.
Note-taking apps make capturing and saving data a breeze, and there’s about a billion different ones you can choose from.
As you’re trying out various apps to use as documentation tools, look for those that offer:
Date and time stamps for your note/memo
Support for uploading photos or documents
A way to organize your notes by topic
Voice memo functionality (bonus points for transcript capability)
Excellent searchability
A desktop version that syncs up with your phone
Evernote can accomplish all of these — their premium version even lets you search inside PDFs. Google Keep can do a lot of the same cool stuff as Evernote, but is totally free. And I can’t say enough good things about Notion, which is also free for limited use.
PROS:
Doesn’t require your co-parent’s cooperation
Can record just about anything from just about anywhere
CONS:
Apps may store data in a proprietary format that can’t be exported
Risk of data getting lost, corrupted, or accessed without authorization
4. Audio & video recording devices
Up till now, we've only talked about documentation tools to make personal notes and observations. The use of video and audio recordings can also be used to prove parental alienation. Caveat on this: make sure to check the laws in your area.
The legality of recording conversations vary from state to state. Some areas require one-party consent (only one person needs to know that there's recording happening) while others require two-party consent (both people need to know).
Laws can also be different for face-to-face conversations vs. conversations over the phone. And video recording laws may be different from laws about recording phone calls.
Also, different laws could apply to security cameras that don't record audio vs. cameras that do — and different laws could apply to using a dashboard cam vs. a home security camera that's on your property, like Wyze or Ring.
However, there's a difference between an illegal recording and one that simply can't be used in court. Recording a call for your personal use (such as to refer back to as you're documenting the call summary later on in your custody journal) might be legal in your state — yet inadmissible to present as court evidence.
ANYWAY there's a lot of ins and outs to properly documenting and proving parental alienation once you start using recording devices. So when in doubt, check with your lawyer.
PROS:
Super accurate
CONS:
Potentially tricky legalities
Still need some way to store, organize, and search all that data
Is it hard to prove parental alienation?
One of the reasons it's so tough to prove parental alienation is because the two systems that really need to recognize that PAS exists, the courts and the psychology community, don't recognize it. At least not officially.
So while “proving” parental alienation (as far as they’re concerned) can be hard, it’s not impossible… as long you combine the right tools with the right strategies.
For example, instead of focusing on proving parental alienation itself, document the aspects of parental alienation that directly and objectively violate your custody order — like withholding visitation, or not letting your child communicate with you.
The court might not want to admit that parental alienation is a serious problem, but they do tend to take action when someone’s violating an actual legal order. (Not always, mind you… but that’s a rant for a different day.)
alienation sucks... but we do have some tips to help >>
PARENTAL ALIENATION DOCUMENTATION TIPS
One last word: keep in mind that effectively documenting parental alienation is a process that can take months or even years. So stay positive — but also stay realistic. Make sure that whatever documentation system you put in place is one that’ll work for you long-term. And along the way, don’t let documentation take over your entire life.
I remember Dan spending hours logging phone call summaries and highlighting phone records…. none of which ended up being used in court at all. Looking back, maybe it would’ve been more impactful to spend that time with his kid instead, working to de-brainwash her a bit.
Parental alienation is a battle that needs to be fought on multiple fronts, and documentation is only one of those fronts.
Alienation is a poison that can destroy your family — and really, your entire life — in more ways than one. So while documentation is for sure important, effectively fighting parental alienation is about far more than documenting its existence for the courts.
For more help fighting parental alienation, including the specific strategies Dan & I used to combat alienation in my stepdaughter, check out our workshop on parental alienation. We go into a lot more depth about our personal experiences, the lessons we learned, and what worked for us. We also talk about alienation on several episodes of our private podcast.
The most critical tool in the fight against parental alienation is education. Educate yourself, your partner, and your entire stepfamily about the nature of alienation and the best tools to combat its devastating effects. Here’s a comprehensive resource that should cover the basics for you: ➡️ A STEPPARENT’S GUIDE TO PARENTAL ALIENATION 👀