What makes stepparenting worth it?
I can't stand those stupid stepmom quotes I see plastered all over Facebook and Instagram — like "I didn't give you the gift of life but life gave me the gift of you!" Or a stepmom's post I saw the other day: a pic of her & her stepdaughter cuddling and the caption talked about how sure, some days stepparenting is hard but then at times like this, she 100% knows being a stepmom is allllll worth it.
Confession: I have never, not even for one minute, felt like being a stepmom was "worth it" — as if the mere act of stepmomming is so emotionally rewarding that it evens out with the oppressive level of baggage that comes along with being a stepparent. (Not carry-on baggage, either. Steamer trunks, folks.)
Does that make me the worst stepmom ever? Why am I even in this family if that’s how I feel, right?
Well, turns out the realities of stepparenting are far more complicated than a phrase like “worth it” could ever fully capture.
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How do you deal with being a stepparent?
I've never had a single photo op where my stepdaughter cuddled up against me and I could snap a selfie and announce to social media that yes, her love makes everything okay. I now feel all the sacrifices I’ve made to become a stepmom have completely, totally been worth it.
Okay, first of all, my stepkid and I don’t really cuddle. But also the insanity of blended family life — juggling custody schedules with court dates, ending dinners in tears, temper tantrums from kids who are way too old to throw temper tantrums, and in between all of this, constant strategizing over the best way to respond to the latest accusatory email from HCBM — could not possibly be evened out by anything.
The second we think about stepparenting in terms of "worth it," we lose. If we're keeping score, we'll always come up short. The negatives will always outweigh the positives.
Until one day… they don't.
One day, you'll catch yourself smiling at something funny the kids did or find yourself remembering a nice family bonding day that did not end in disaster and it'll hit you: waaait a sec, you aren't so miserable anymore! This is getting easier!! And you'll go to bed all happy thinking maybe, just maybe, you'll nail this blended family thing after all!
The next day might blow it all out of the water, but hey. You'll have that single bright spot of bliss to look back on. And once you know how happiness feels in a stepfamily, it's easier to get back there a second time. A third. The next dozen times.
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Finding the strength to keep going as a stepparent
Instead of asking yourself whether being a stepparent feels "worth it," think in terms of what can keep you going. What do you need right in this moment to get you across the current rough patch and over to the next temporary oasis?
For me, it was reveling in any pockets of near-peace, no matter how isolated. Taking a break sometimes. Celebrating the most minuscule of tiny victories. Catching glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel, even if they didn't last long. Enjoying that 3 minutes or so that the girls played without fighting for a change and we were camping out of cell phone range so no one could pop our happiness bubble for at least 36 more hours.
At those times, I felt like we almost had a real family. Almost had a real life together. Almost.
Even now, after celebrating our 10-year anniversary last year and enjoying a seriously lovely empty-ish nesting life together as the girls dive into college and jobs and boyfriends and stuff, I don't look at Dan and think "Yeah, this was totally worth all the bullshit we went through."
Not that I don't love him to pieces. I do. But to me, the ideal scenario would've been not having to go through the bullshit at all.
I fight still to let go of that — to stop resenting that our early days together were such a cluster. To stop raging that dealing with a high conflict ex robbed us of so much. To stop grieving that our family was birthed from battles and tears and slippery slopes instead of taking shape slowly and naturally from love.
Yet here we are. Here we are at the other end of the tunnel, living in the light. The question of "worth it" no longer matters; it is what it is. And we've ended up in a way better place than I'd have guessed was possible even just a couple years ago, for which I am beyond thankful.
Deciding whether becoming a stepmom was worth it to me
I can't regret my decisions or how hard becoming a stepmom has been because this whole stepparenting journey brought me to where I am today. And I really really like where I am. I really like where we are as a family, too.
Plus we got through the worst of it, right? And obviously I'm glad those days are behind us and we’ve entered a new chapter. Yet just surviving those years took a major toll that I can’t overstate. Becoming a stepfamily cost all of us, deeply, in every possible way: mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. My daughter and my stepdaughter both lost their childhoods, and that’s a price too high for any kid to pay, or for any parent to watch them pay.
So… "worth it"? Nope.
However. I've decided to forgive myself for feeling like that. Because this isn't the same ride I bought my ticket for. You know? I may have technically signed up for this, but truth is I had no idea what I was getting into. And there's no way I could've known.
There's no way you could've known, either.
So on your days when you think being a stepparent might just not be worth it, I'm not gonna say you're wrong. But I will say, "worth it" doesn't matter. What matters is making it to the next oasis, and then the next. Each patch of green in the desert grows larger as time passes and you travel further in. Eventually you'll find one that supports enough life that you don't have to pack up and head out again the very next morning. You can stay awhile. Sip your coffee and enjoy the view.
Feels good, right? Almost like a real family. Almost like real life. And maybe “almost” can be close enough to “worth it” for today.