3 ways to tell your partner you're disengaging
One of the first questions people have after reading the Disengaging Essay (besides "Where do I sign up??") is "Great, but how will I tell my partner?" It's hard to explain that you stepping back from stepparenting can be a good thing... and even harder for our partners to believe it! There are a few different approaches for letting your partner know you're going to take steps to disengage from your stepkids.
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#1: "disengaging is better for the kids."
The most positive way to frame disengaging is by explaining how you stepping back from stepparenting will actually benefit the kids: "Me helping with homework seems to really stress Kiddo out. I think it's best to take myself out of the middle and let you handle this between the two of you."
This is the most diplomatic approach, and also the least likely to trigger a knee-jerk defensive reaction from your partner. The key here is to keep the focus on your stepkids. Talk about what's best for your stepkids, talk about your concern for your stepkids, and focus on a happy ending for all of you as the eventual outcome of your disengaging.
One of the biggest myths about disengaging is that taking a step back is bad for your stepkids… or means you don’t care. By explaining disengaging to your partner in a way that positions your concern for your stepkids front and center, you can (hopefully) bypass these types of accusations.
You can also explain disengaging as a temporary situation — which it often is. You're reminding your partner of the big picture: right now, things aren't going so hot. What we're trying right now isn't working. And while that’s normal and okay (blending a family literally takes years), we need to try different approaches to find the way that works for us.
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#2: "I'm struggling to stepparent effectively without your support."
To your partner, the idea of disengaging from your stepkids can sound like "I don't wanna parent your damn kids." Which, sure, if we're being honest, might be exactly how you're feeling right now, but that’s not the underlying problem. The real problem is that when you try to parent, your partner isn't backing you up. Nor are they stepping in to parent their children themselves.
Stepparents need the active support of their partners to parent their stepkids effectively — or at all. Which brings us to the second way to tell your partner why you're disengaging from your stepkids: "I can't manage these dinnertime tantrums by myself. Tonight if that happens, would you please step in and help me out?"
The benefit of explaining disengaging in this way is that it's a two-parter: first, you're requesting backup from your partner. This sets you up for a follow-up conversation if that backup never comes, in which you explain that you still can't do it alone and you're now disengaging. And secondly, you're making your partner aware (if they weren't already) that the primary parent in the stepfamily has to play an active role. You shouldn't be expected to parent more than your partner, your stepkid's actual parent. That's not fair to anyone, including your stepkids.
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#3: "I need to take a step back from stepparenting for my own well-being."
Finally, there's the straight-up, straight-talk explanation: "I need to disengage for my own mental and emotional health." Be open and honest with your partner about what you need to maintain your sanity. If trying to be Super Stepparent™ is killing you, then continuing on the way you've been going isn't sustainable.
Sometime when you're both calm, sit down with your partner and talk about the expectations you both have for your role as a stepparent. Be realistic about the current reality of your role, too — if some of your partner's (or your own) expectations are the exact same things that keep ending in disaster, then continuing to make those contributions doesn't make sense.
Look, stepparenting is hard AF. Between the constant uncertainty over your role, the unpredictable schedules, and the general chaos that defines stepfamily life, stepparents are allowed to take a break sometimes. Especially if you're running a serious risk of burning yourself out by not taking that step back.