4 points to include in a high-conflict parenting plan
So much of the drama that comes with high-conflict co-parenting can be avoided by including the right points in the initial parenting plan. A custody order that’s vague, doesn’t account for the future, or that depends on the cooperation and goodwill of a high-conflict co-parent sets you up for failure.
So what should be included in your parenting plan? When you’re dealing with a high-conflict co-parent, following these 4 tips is a must.
Disclaimer: I’m totally not a lawyer and you should definitely have legal counsel advise you on all legal matters.
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1. Get as detailed and specific as humanly possible
The whole idea of a high-conflict parenting plan is to reduce disagreement between co-parents — and this means removing as many potential opportunities for willful misinterpretation as possible.
To do this, get extremely detailed and specific with your parenting plan language. Include exact times, dates, and locations. Cover every single holiday and long weekend, and cover every possible exception to the standard schedule (like those pesky early release days). Discuss finances, including college, medical expenses, and travel expenses related to custody.
Example of bad parenting plan language: Custody exchange will take place every other Friday after school.
Example of better parenting plan language: Custody exchange will take place at 3:30 pm in the school parking lot on the 2nd, 4th and 5th Fridays, unless that Friday marks the beginning of a school break, in which case the holiday schedule parenting schedule applies.
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2. Include transportation responsibilities in your parenting plan
Literally refusing to meet halfway is a classic move for a high-conflict co-parent. I’m constantly surprised by how many parenting plans are written in a way that fails to specify which parent is responsible for visitation-related travel. Like HELLO, getting the kids is part of visitation! Ugh. 🤦🏻♀️
One way to help mitigate the potential for transition day conflict is by requiring the receiving parent to be responsible for transportation. Most parents, even the high-conflict ones, eventually want their kids back. And the ones who don’t? Cool, document that shit for the next time you’re back in court.
Oh and while we’re on the subject, withholding visitation can be one of the warning signs of parental alienation. So make sure you’re documenting that too, and scheduling makeup time for every day you miss with your kiddos.
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3. Reconsider right of first refusal if there’s high conflict
Right of first refusal, or ROFR, is one of those things that sounds so reasonable on paper. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time a high-conflict co-parent twisted something thoughtful and sensible into a weapon they could use against you.
ROFR is the idea that the kiddo shouldn’t be spending a bunch of time at daycare with strangers when they could be with their other parent. So if, for example, one parent works evenings but the other parent is home and available during that time, then the parent at home would have the child rather than kiddo heading off to daycare, even on the days that aren’t technically their visitation time.
While this all sounds quite logical and sane, in real life an ROFR can get messy fast. A vindictive ex can use ROFR to withhold time from the other parent’s grandparents, aunts/uncles, and even stepparents. Additionally, ROFR can create a lot of custody schedule chaos and last-minute changes that aren't in anyone's best interests. Finally, unless the wording is very specific (and often even then), courts can really struggle to enforce ROFR.
4. Create communication guidelines that keep the high-conflict co-parent in check
If you’re all too used to constant texts, long ranting phone calls, and near-constant communication with the kiddo on your custody time, your parenting plan desperately needs communication guidelines.
Communication guidelines are critical when co-parenting with a high-conflict ex. These can apply to kid/parent communication, parent/parent communication, or both. Examples of possible boundaries to include could be limiting contact to certain days or times of day, or funneling all interactions through a court-approved app like Talking Parents or Our Family Wizard.
At all costs, avoid vague language like "reasonable access," whether you’re discussing communication or any other aspect of your parenting plan. When it comes to co-parenting with a high-conflict ex, your goal should always be to avoid grey areas like the plague. A high-conflict co-parent will ALWAYS choose the interpretation that aligns with their personal agenda.
Bonus tip: Above all, know your rights!
Listen, the best parenting plan in the world won't protect your parenting rights if you aren't willing to be your own advocate. Your parenting plan gives you legal protection over your parenting rights! If your ex tries to convince you of one thing and the custody order says something else, go with what your legal paperwork says. Your high-conflict ex doesn’t have any more parenting rights than you do, and they’re not in charge of interpreting the parenting plan — no matter how much they’d like you to believe otherwise.
You can’t get sucked into believing the web of lies a high-conflict narcissist ex will surely spin around normal co-parenting interactions. So when in doubt, trust what your parenting plan says… and then call your lawyer.
