5 transition day tips for stepparents
There are approximately one bajillion articles out there on how to help stepkids transition between homes post-divorce, but almost nothing on how stepparents need to support ourselves on transition day. This is a real gap in the system, because transition days suck for everyone in the stepfamily. Children, parents, and stepparents alike absolutely dread the day that our kids switch homes.
Even if you love having your stepkids in the house, the switcheroo from kid-free to kid-full can feel like... a lot. And if you don't love having your stepkids around — well first of all, that's normal, and secondly that means transition days are that much harder for you. And don't get me started on the complications of transition days when you're co-parenting with a high-conflict ex so your stepkid's visitation time happens to coincide with some fresh new drama. Every. Single. Time.
There is some light at the end of the tunnel though: knowing all of this, you can use these tips to put together a plan that helps make transition days somewhat less stressful — for you, your partner, and your stepkids.
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1. Lower your expectations
Lower that expectations bar allllll the way down to the ground for custody transition days. Seriously. Whatever pressure you're putting on yourself, quit that. Don't feel like you need to greet your stepkids with a red carpet and a minute-by-minute itinerary to prove you’re glad to see them. Honestly many stepkids would probably find that off-putting when they're feeling the exact same mixed feelings that you yourself feel as a stepparent: they want to be there, and at the same time not. They want to be a part of your family, and also don't. All of which is totally normal.
It's also normal to have bid a fond farewell to Dr. Jekyll (who we love) at the end of the last visitation only to find that Mr. Hyde (who’s the woooorst) has landed on your doorstep this time around. All those manners and values you painstakingly instilled last time seemingly got lost at their other home since then, and every one of your house rules forgotten. Even worse, you have no idea what frame of mind your stepkid will be in when they show — it'll be a surprise right till they walk in the door.
So… yeah. Keep breathing. Remind yourself not to expect too much. Just get through the next day or so. The good news is that no matter how tough transition days are, the first 24 hours are usually the worst of it — then this too shall pass.
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2. Give yourself (and your stepkid) some space
Knowing that transition day can be pretty touch and go for everyone in the household, it's a good idea to give everyone some extra space at switchover time. There's no reason you can't greet your stepkid with a warm welcome, then quietly disappear for a few hours while they're getting readjusted. This also gives your stepkid 1-on-1 time to reconnect with their parent without you around. Or even just enjoy some solo time on their own to decompress if that’s what they want.
Giving yourself some transition day space can be particularly helpful if you're a stepparent who's stressed about your stepkid's arrival, because then you get time to calm down also. I know for me, my stepdaughter's arrival was an instant fight-or-flight trigger — our weeks with SD meant near-constant angry phone calls, text messages, and emails from her mother. My brain connected my SD with fighting and conflict, so my first reaction to her arrival was to mentally brace myself for drama. I always needed a little extra downtime on transition days to collect myself and take a few deep breaths so I could chill the hell out.
Whether your stepkid is cold and distant or super clingy and lovey-dovey, the sudden shift in household dynamics can feel jarring, draining, and sometimes just too much. So have your personal support strategies in place ahead of time. If you're nervous about their arrival, don't just sit around on eggshells waiting. Plan an activity to keep your mind occupied and your feelings settled — something to focus on and distract yourself. And then rejoin everyone for family time once you feel ready.
3. Create some transition day traditions
Inventing new traditions is important for every stepfamily, and I don't mean just at the holidays. Creating some traditions and routine around transition days gives everyone the predicability that we all crave — and which is so often lacking in stepfamily life.
Again, I'm not saying to go overboard with the stepkid welcoming committee, which can be overwhelming (for them and for you). But even something small, like always getting takeout on transition nights or always stopping at the park on the way home, gives your stepkids an anchor that helps them feel safe and grounded. Putting a standard routine in place reassures the kids that they can know what to expect every time they come over.
Don't forget that adults feel better with a routine in place too. Life in a blended family can feel super chaotic an awful lot of the time, so having even one thing you can count on as being the same every transition day — even if it's just homemade pizza and a family movie together — can be a huge stress reliever.
It's also okay to not make a huge deal on transition day at all! Let yourself ease in, and let the kiddos ease in too. Plan a relaxing activity for that first night — or zero activities. There's a lot to be said for the joys of early bedtime.
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4. Maintain your boundaries
A lot of the common frustrations around transition day come from poorly written parenting plans and/or mushy boundaries. Since stepparents don't typically get much of a say in either of those things, transition day can feel all the more out of control. So while you can educate your partner about best practices for high conflict co-parenting plans and encourage them to have better boundaries, how do you deal if they don't listen to you and there's yet more drama as a result?
The answer: stick to your own boundaries like a mofo.
If the idea of seeing the ex on transition days ties your stomach up in knots, make other arrangements so you don't have to be present. If you don't want to get stuck making small talk, stay in the car and just give a friendly wave across the parking lot instead. And always, always, always remember that stepparents are allowed to say no.
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5. Keep in mind that transition days are different for every stepfamily
Finally, don't waste time or energy planning the perfect transition day experience based on how some other blended family handles their own custody transition. What works for you might not work for another stepparent or another stepfamily — and that's totally okay!
Some stepparents don't want a thing to do with pick-ups or drop-offs and avoid transition day like the plague. Other stepparents have found that volunteering to handle transitions themselves has actually reduced conflict between houses by removing the opportunity for the co-parents to snip at each other.
As with everything else in a blended family, don't get stuck on how you think you "should" be doing things. Instead, pay attention to what's really working with your family dynamics, and do more of that. With enough trial and error, even transition day stress can become somewhat more manageable.
