Spying, lying, & stepkids: how to deal when your stepkid acts like a double agent
Lying is a totally normal kid thing. All kids lie. Even in a traditional family, kids will tell one parent one story and the other parent a different story. And all kids also snoop around and tell secrets they're not supposed to tell or keep secrets they shouldn't. (I know I wasn't the only kid who found her big sister's hidden birth control pills, right?)
So lying and spying, to some extent, are irritating yet inevitable aspects of childhood. And children of divorce are no different. They lie sometimes, and they sometimes do sneaky kid things like poking through drawers and eavesdropping on adult conversations. This wouldn't have to be a huge deal; co-parents who were working together could stop this nonsense dead in its tracks.
A high conflict co-parent though? Heck, they're not gonna step in on any behaviors they can use to reinforce their false narrative! A high-conflict co-parent will take these innate childhood tendencies, then twist, manipulate, and poison them into yet another factor that causes friction between houses.
So how do you deal with a spying or lying stepkid when their actions cross the line from "kids will be kids" into toxic behavior?
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My stepdaughter's lying caused major issues between houses
My stepkid used to lie about nearly everything, big and small. She lied to our faces while at our house, and then later lied to her mom about lying at our house. Some of this lying was over stupid kid shit, like not washing her hair and claiming she did. Other lies were more serious, like not telling us about a homework project — then going back to her mom's and claiming that she did too tell us but we refused to help her. 🙄🤦🏻♀️
You'd think such an obvious and transparent lie would be met with immediate dismissal by her other parent, wouldn't you? Well, not when you're dealing with a high-conflict co-parent whose agenda is better served by enabling those lies.
On just about every single transition day, Dan found himself on the receiving end of an angry phone call from his ex as she demanded an explanation for his (or my) latest transgression against SD.
"That's not what happened," Dan would say. "If we'd known she had homework, OF COURSE we would've helped her with it!"
"Are you calling SD a liar?" HCBM would gasp in horror. "SD would NEVER lie to me! I BELIEVE MY DAUGHTER."
Dan would try — with no luck — explaining to his ex that their kid was playing both of them and the best solution would be to act as a united front and call her out. His ex would then accuse Dan of trying to put SD in the middle, and continue insisting that SD never lied at her house and therefore whatever SD claimed must certainly be true.
They went around in circles like this for years until HCBM upped the ante with a new argument: if SD was lying to her dad (or me), then that was just more proof that SD had serious issues being at our house and therefore she should spend less time with us.
Aarrrghhhhhh.
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Turning lies into a literal court case
Playing her parents against each other post-divorce started out as a survival tactic for my stepdaughter. Her mom was high conflict, so getting in trouble from Mom felt big and scary. What kid wouldn't throw someone else under the bus to avoid getting screamed at? Dan and I understood this, and took SD's lying with a grain of salt. Sure it was frustrating — but we also completely got it.
The problem wasn't really the lying. The problem was the monster that grew out of the lies — the monster we couldn't put back in its cage once it was out.
Lying became more than a get-out-of-jail-free card for SD. Lying to her mom about how awful we were and how unhappy she was every minute while she was with us became a bonding activity between her and her mom. My stepdaughter's sob stories won her lots of love and cuddles and reassurance and positive reinforcement from her mercurial mother. And her mom felt important, needed, and necessary — like she was the only person SD could truly count on, that she must at all costs protect SD from further hurt and pain at our hands.
So over time, simple kid stuff like lying about homework evolved into deposition fodder: Dan was portrayed as a neglectful father who didn't care about SD's education. Our home was painted as a place where SD was unfairly treated, unhappy, and unloved. What began as lying — a common kid trait that could've been resolved quickly between cooperative co-parents— became a parental alienation weapon instead. Especially when my stepdaughter started adding spying to her lying.
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MY HUSBAND’S EX turned my stepdaughter into her spy
Even before Dan & I met, his friends had dubbed his daughter "The Little Reporter" because she took every single detail of what Dan and friends did right back to her mother. I mean, they never called her that to her face or anything and they mostly rolled their eyes and laughed it off — but everyone knew if SD was along for an adventure, HCBM would get a full rundown later.
I don't know if that made Dan's buddies feel paranoid being around SD, but it sure did for me. Especially when the spying was combined with the lying, so my stepdaughter’s depiction of events typically made me sound like a horrible human being.
As a result, I got really in my head about how I interacted with SD. Like I had to watch everything I said or did or I'd end up the subject of yet another angry phone call or email to Dan. I was terrified one wrong move from me could cost Dan his visitation time. HCBM seemed determined to believe the worst about me, too — even the most outrageous lies SD told her about my behavior, she took as gospel truth. And because SD lied about everything, I never knew which of our interactions would get turned into fiction.
On top of whatever I was doing wrong at any given moment (which was pretty much everything), even the most seemingly innocuous bonding activities got turned into a Really Big Deal. Like the time I stocked up on classic 80s movies to watch with my kid and my stepkid, and we spent the entire weekend with Ferris Bueller and Pretty in Pink and Footloose. I was so proud of myself for finally finding a harmless way to connect with SD... yet when she went back to her mom's, all hell broke loose because apparently her mom had wanted to be the one to show her all those movies for the first time.
Over years and years and years of incidents like this, guess which stepmom lost her motivation to plan fun bonding activities with her stepdaughter? 🙋🏻♀️
Staying positive about my SD's visitation time got even harder once Dan and his ex were in active custody litigation, and SD started reporting back to her mom in earnest. My favorite example of this was when we were looking for a summer rental and I found a perfect place but it was only a 1-bedroom.
"I guess we could just make the kids sleep in a tent," I joked. "Kids, you don't mind sleeping in a tent for the summer, do you?"
The next week, HCBM's lawyer sent papers citing our attempt to "force" SD to sleep in a tent for the summer as clear evidence that we weren't a fit home for her.
I really wish I were making this shit up.
How to turn that lying spying ship around
Okay. So you didn't need to read this entire blog to convince you that it's no fun when a stepkid gets caught lying, especially when they're lying about their other parent and what happens in that parent's home. What you're looking for are solutions. So how can we stop our stepkids from lying to us, lying about us, or spying on us within our own homes?
Whenever possible, don't give your stepkids a chance to lie. What I mean by this is, instead of asking "Did you wash your hair?" when you know damn well they didn't, say "Please go wash your hair." If they respond with an argument, repeat yourself rather than engaging. Don't focus on the lying — focus on them not responding appropriately when you've asked them to do something. Lying is a power struggle. The winner is whoever doesn't engage.
Know that nothing you do or say is going to prevent your stepkid from lying to their other parent about what happens in your home — and that goes for spying too. We (incorrectly) believe that if we just do X, Y, or Z, our stepkids will one day be like "Oh, okay, I guess they're all right. I don't need to make them into the bad guys anymore." Or the ex will one day be all "Gosh, I was wrong this whole time. That is Kiddo's second home and they are Kiddo's family. I guess it is important for them to have a good relationship!" The reasons our stepkids lie between houses are many and complicated, and those reasons won’t disappear based on your level of perfection as a stepparent.
… So stop acting whatever way you think will give you a good review with your stepkid or the ex, and instead just be yourself. Your brave, glorious stepparenting self chose to take on this commitment when you didn't have to, and you keep doing the best for your stepkids that you can. That’s no small feat, my friend! Give yourself credit for all you do, simply by being your authentically awesome self. The ex (or your stepkid) being upset at your involvement in their lives is their hangup. Don't make it yours.
Most of all, don’t get sucked into other people’s mind games. Doing your best to remain supremely unbothered by spying and lying deprives the drama monsters of their drama. If your stepkid’s lying doesn't have the intended effect and their spying doesn't deliver the hoped-for results, your stepkid (and more importantly, the high-conflict parent that's putting them in this position in the first place) will gradually run out of ammo to use against you.
Plus, the more unbothered you are, the more your stepkid will stop feeling caught in the middle of their loyalty bind. Which could mean they might start acting kinda sorta normal around you at some point. Woohoo!
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The #1 thing to remember with a stepkid who’s lying
Look. The thing about lying or spying is, you know the truth. YOU know what happened. YOU know your stepkid has fun with you, that you're not depriving them of food, that you're helping with homework, that you're in the trenches every day doing the best you can. Don't let someone else's stories about you change your feelings about what actually happened.
Co-parenting takes two, but putting a kid in a position where they feel like they need to lie to their other parent or spy on their other parent — well, that only takes one. While you may not be able to prevent the ex’s poor behavior, you can continue providing an alternative example within your own home. Keep showing your stepkids what integrity and honesty look like. Not because it’ll stop your stepkids from lying or spying overnight, but because it’s the right thing to do.
If there was ever a time for the phrase "Stand in your truth," well, here we are. Stand in your truth and stand tall. Don't let yourself get gaslit into thinking you're the one who needs to change your behavior to reduce the drama.
