When your stepkid reminds you too much of the ex
One of the biggest contributing factors in me not liking my stepdaughter was... well, that I didn't like her. I mean, she was busy making herself purposely unlikable — she wanted to make damn sure we knew she didn't want to be at our house — so there was that. (Message received, got it! 👌🏼) But also, I struggled to like my SD because she reminded me waaay too much of her high-conflict mother.
How do you separate your feelings for your stepkid from your feelings toward their parent, the toxic ex whose fave hobby seems to be destroying your life?
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Is it normal to not like your stepkids?
I'm just gonna start with my usual disclaimer: it's totally normal to not love your stepkids. You don't have a biological bond with these short strangers, for one thing. And for another, many stepkids reject their stepparents at first, which makes it hard to feel thrilled about having them around. Also, a lot of children of divorce are innately unlikable; guilt-based parenting can turn even the most delightful child into a spoiled brat. (I talk about this more in the Disengaging Essay.)
There's another big factor in not liking your stepkids, though: when your stepkids are visible reminders of the high-conflict ex who's making your life a living hell. Heck, even if the ex isn't high conflict and everyone gets along pretty okay, it can be tough feeling positive about the walking, talking evidence of your partner's past — a past that's affecting your daily life in ways you never expected.
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When your stepkid acts like an extension of the toxic ex
I personally didn’t care about SD representing Dan's past. Hello, I had my own past in the form of my own kid from a previous relationship. What I couldn't stand was that SD seemed intent on undermining the future Dan & I were trying to build together, simply by acting like a miniature version of her high-conflict mother.
I remember one time an acquaintance said about SD, "She has Dan's coloring, but boy her face really looks like HCBM doesn't it?" And my answer was an immediate "No she doesn't!" as if this fact was something I could argue with. Truth is I hadn't noticed the resemblance — or maybe I was in denial. Maybe both.
At that time, our entire lives were saturated by HCBM. All our conversations came back to Dan’s ex like some inexorable magnet, either deescalating her latest drama or bracing ourselves for the next round of nonsense. There was no escaping her... apparently not even on a camping trip out in the middle of nowhere, which was where this casual conversation about SD's appearance took place.
I'd been with Dan just long enough by then that I was starting to realize there would be no escape from his ex. And while I understood going into this thing that committing to Dan meant committing to his kid, I hadn't realized I'd be committing to his ex-wife too. 😱 This unpleasant fact was driven home again and again each time my stepdaughter's gestures or facial expressions or emotional manipulations echoed those of her mother.
I tried to not let my feelings toward HCBM get in the way of the relationship I wanted to build with my stepdaughter. I tried again and again to ignore the mini-me traits that squicked me out and instead attempted to bond with my stepkid over the things we had in common: our fairy collections, our passion for art projects, our mutual love for Dan.
But then SD would parrot HCBM's arguments about why she should spend less time with Dan and I'd feel my defenses go up, like SD was a sleeper agent working against us from the inside. Or SD would tell Dan he was lazy and not good for anything, her mother's voice speaking through her verbatim, and I felt like the work I put in — that we all put in — was for nothing.
Was there any chance we'd ever counteract HCBM's negative programming and alienation tactics enough that the real SD could finally stand up?
alienation sucks... but we do have some tips to help >>
Changing perspectives about your stepkid takes practice
Our protective instincts have already identified the high-conflict ex as a threat to our safety and happiness, so when our stepkids mimic those same behaviors, our brains start assigning red flags to them as well. We can't change the way our stepkids choose to act (and we definitely can't change the ex), but with some intentional practice, we can at least change our own perspectives to dial back our internal stress response to our stepkids' presence.
First, we can focus on our stepkids as individuals rather than as symbols of our partner's past, or as extensions of the ex. You're probably already reminding yourself on a near-daily basis that these are children who are trapped in the super shitty fallout of their parents' high-conflict divorce — so keep doing that. Context is so important to remember with stepkids. Even if understanding the "why" doesn't always make them easier to live with, it helps.
Next, look for qualities in your stepkids that aren't anything like their high-conflict parent — qualities that remind you instead of your own partner, or that are uniquely your stepkid's own. Remind yourself too of how different you are from your own parents, and how much your own personality has changed since childhood. Our stepkids are their own people, no matter how enmeshed they may sometimes seem with their toxic parent.
It's also hard to like your stepkid when you feel like an outsider, so work on creating new traditions in your blended family: a common thread of memories connecting you all together. Know that this definitely feels awkward at first, but also know that's yet another thing that improves with time.
And finally, on those days when you're really struggling to feel positive about your stepkid, go ahead and give yourself some space. Not sure how to do that? Get a step-by-step guide on how to disengage right here.
Taking a step back doesn't make you a bad stepparent — it gives you room to catch your breath, regroup, and try again tomorrow. Learning to like your stepkid is a process; there's a reason it takes 5 to 7 years (or more!) to blend a family. Give yourself and your stepkid plenty of time to get there in your own way.
