4 ways to support your partner after disengaging
Stepparents already feel like outsiders a lot of the time, so disengaging can seem like a scary move — like taking that step back could send you tumbling right off the edge of a cliff and out of your stepfamily's life for good. As uncomfortable as you may feel in whatever your current stepparent role is, at least it's a known entity. A disengaged stepparent, though... where will that leave you? What does the role of a disengaged stepparent even look like?
By default, we all assume that stepparents are supposed to parent their stepkids. I mean the job description's right in the name: step parent. So it can be a real shock when trying to parent your stepkids only causes a bunch of friction: disagreements with your partner, your stepkids rejecting you, complaints from the ex that you're overstepping. Yet we keep right on trying to parent because we're positive that's what a good stepparent would do. Only a bad stepparent would stop parenting their stepkids, right?
Well, not necessarily.
If your goal is to help improve your stepkids' lives and support your partner and generally contribute in positive ways to this stepfamily you're creating, there are a ton of non-parenting ways stepparents can be supportive. It's just that we get so caught up in our vision of what we think the role of a stepparent should be that we forget how much they count.
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1. Modeling a healthy romantic relationship for your stepkids
At your stepfamily's foundation lies the relationship between you and your partner, which could very well be the only healthy romantic relationship your stepkid has ever seen. Even if you do absolutely nothing else as a stepparent, modeling what a loving, mutually respectful adult relationship looks like can be an invaluable contribution to your stepkid's life.
Modeling healthy relationship patterns becomes even more critical when your stepkid's other parent is high conflict. Your stepkid might be used to interactions between co-parents being emotionally manipulative, controlling, or otherwise toxic. At your house though, your stepkid can look to you and your partner to see how normal compromise and conflict resolution work. They’ll need these skills down the road in their own relationships someday.
Most stepkids carry vivid memories of their parents’ breakup, along with memories of the relationship that existed before the split. Without an alternate example to look to, stepkids run the risk of repeating the same (potentially dysfunctional) relationship patterns they witnessed in their parents. Your relationship with your partner can interrupt that cycle though. By being mutually loving, supportive partners and putting your relationship first, the two of you together can show your stepkid that a completely different type of relationship is possible.
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2. Managing your stepfamily's complex logistics
Blending a family is so dang complicated. From juggling custody schedules and vacation dates to extracurricular activities and homework, there's no end to the jillions of tiny details that require keeping track of.
If you're a chronic organizer like me, then wrangling all those tiny details is another non-parenting way you can contribute as a supportive stepparent. You can maintain the household calendar, gather documentation for the next court date, make sure your stepkid's visitation flights get purchased while the ticket prices are still low, or any number of grownup tasks that run the risk of falling through the cracks otherwise.
This one can get a bit tricky for a disengaged stepparent, as there’s a fine line between organizing vs. micromanaging everyone and stressing yourself out. Remember to keep your expectations realistic — you can lead your stepfamily toward a color-coded custody calendar, but you can’t always get ‘em out the door on time.
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3. Stepparents can contribute financially
Even before Dan and I combined our finances, my income helped improve my stepdaughter's quality of life. Whether I pitched in gas money for a camping trip or bought art supplies for a Valentine's Day craft project, those dollars spent turned into activities that helped us bond together as a family.
I've invested cash toward purchasing a home together, remodeling my stepdaughter's bedroom, and contributing to her college fund. I've bought Girl Scout cookies from her and driven through her carwash fundraisers. And Dan, who’s a stepdad to my own kid, has kicked in funds to cover my daughter's childcare costs, purchased camping and climbing gear for her, and helped fix her car about a hundred times.
Even if our stepkids sulk their way through bonding activities or never give a single thank you for the countless practical (albeit boring) ways we contribute to their daily lives, a stepparent’s financial support can make a positive difference. And that improvement happens quietly behind the scenes where it can’t trigger your stepkids’ loyalty bind the same way that hands-on stepparenting so often does.
4. Supporting your partner with their ex
Disengaging doesn’t only apply to stepkids! You can disengage from the high-conflict ex, too. And if you’ve become so obsessed with the ex’s antics that you’ve lost your ability to support your partner objectively, that might be a red flag that you’re overdue to disengage.
The way Dan’s ex treated him — bullying and controlling to the point of turning his own kid against him — got all my hackles up. I became defensive and protective. In an effort to help him set better boundaries, I'd tell him how I thought he should handle tricky situations with her. He didn’t follow my suggestions. I got angrier and angrier that his toxic ex was affecting our life together, especially when I was sure that if he'd just listen to me already, her behavior would get under control.
I thought all of that was me being supportive. In reality, I was putting Dan smack in the middle of two angry women. 🤦🏻♀️
Dan & I fought so much less once I disengaged and started viewing HCBM like she was Dan’s work problem. I could listen, sympathize, and advise — all without getting emotionally involved myself. Once I switched to encouraging him rather than lecturing him, Dan was finally able to gain the self-confidence he needed to set better boundaries with his ex. This meant less conflict between co-parents, which directly benefitted my stepdaughter… not to mention our entire household.
