What's a stepparent's role, anyway?
Before I became a stepmom myself, I never once thought about what a stepparent's role should be. And if I'm totally honest, I didn't think about it much even after I started dating someone with a kid, either.
I mean, I was already a single mom. My daughter was even the same age as my future stepdaughter — I figured I'd just be doing everything I was already doing, only now with two kids to keep an eye on instead of one. No biggie, right? How much different could stepparenting be from regular parenting?
Boy was I wrong. Turns out figuring out your role as a stepparent is so much more complicated than any of us realize going into this gig.
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What we think a stepparent's role should be
Close your eyes for a second and imagine what the perfect stepparent looks like. How do you picture your role as a stepparent? What does being a good stepparent mean to you?
I envisioned the process of becoming a stepmom looking like... my stepdaughter and I would become friendly buddies. We'd work together on art projects and watch movie marathons with my kid. I'd be this chill parent-like figure she could talk to about her actual parents when they stressed her out, giving wise advice like a cool auntie. And of course I'd also singlehandedly resolve all conflict between houses by becoming our family's calendar-keeper, structure-creator, and task-reminder.
Maybe under other circumstances, all of that could've happened. Who knows.
Instead, I found myself with a stepdaughter who pushed me further and further away the more I tried to connect with her. And a partner who was real sad about that, but not sad enough to actually do anything.
My best intentions backfired big time and I found myself stuck in a weird stepparenting limbo. The role I imagined I'd have as a stepmom looked nothing like the role I found myself in. And the role I found myself in... well, I hated it. I felt like trying to be a good stepparent had turned me into the worst possible version of myself, made my stepdaughter hate me, and only increased the conflict between my husband and his ex.
Where had I gone wrong?
OVERWHELMED BY A MILLION MIXED EMOTIONS?
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What's the actual role of a stepparent?
The biggest challenge in becoming a successful stepparent is letting go of our own unrealistic expectations. Not just about what it means to be a good stepparent, but about what a stepparent's role should be in the first place.
Because stepparenting in real life is different. The role of a stepparent is different than what you thought, and it's also different than what other people expect from you. That's why everyone gives such contradictory advice about how to be a successful stepparent: Stay in your lane! Don't overstep! But also love your stepkids unconditionally like they're your own children! But ALSO know your place! 🙄🤦🏻♀️
There's no single right answer about the best way to stepparent. Sometimes you're in the trenches packing lunches and chauffeuring kids around and helping with homework. Other times you'll contribute in non-parenting ways: bringing home a second paycheck, organizing documentation for your partner's next court date, researching how to co-parent with a high-conflict ex.
Once in a while (but probably more often than you'd like) being a good stepparent means staying silent instead of exploding "I friggin' TOLD you this would happen!!" when your partner ignores your warnings and advice yet again.
Any and all of these approaches to stepparenting are valid. So is disengaging from your stepkids and leaving the parenting to your partner.
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Your role as a stepparent will constantly evolve depending on a million factors that are themselves constantly evolving: the age of your stepkids, how long you've been a stepparent, the ex's shenanigans, how supportive your partner is or isn't. In some seasons, you'll find yourself active and involved. In others, you'll feel the need to take a step back. All of this is normal.
It's also normal to feel like stepparenting is basically one giant confusing roller coaster ride… so go grab our stepparenting survival guide if you’d love some help along the way.
It took me years to realize that what I wanted my role to be as a stepparent and what actually worked for me, my stepdaughter, and our family were two very different things. Not until I made my peace with that did I carve out a place in my stepdaughter's life — and a version of the stepparenting role — I could live with, and finally stop feeling like an outsider in my own family.